A Light through the Clouds...”

Sometimes we go through life waiting for someone to make it easier on us. Someone who could just swoop us up and show us how we could ride to the end of our lives on a breeze. Not very realistic. But I have found times I wish I could find that one person. The one who would just take all my problems and blow them away and say, no worries my dear. I’ll take care of you. It’s amazing how I searched for that after my transplant. The way the meds affected me made me want someone who could do that exact ridiculous thing for me. Well, yes it is unrealistic to think someone will just show up through your front door someday to take away all your problems. And I knew that. So I struggled. I let the anxiety and depression get me down. It seemed as though  I let it take over my entire life. I found myself dwelling in the fact that I was too anxious to do anything. Too depressed to care. Rather than being grateful my eyes opened to see another morning. or another incredible sunset. I know I missed so much during that time in my life because I was waiting for “my“ person to come save me. I was actually praying for that one person to just take care of me because I was simply tired. There were many other things going on in our lives at the same time that added a complete new set of anxiety and depression. There were days I just felt like I was a robot. Going through the motions that I knew I had to do until I could go to sleep. But then God was sure to give me another slap in the face. It was as if He said to me one day, why are you still searching for that person to carry all your burdens? Someone to simply take care of you. To ease your mind and lead you on your journey. Marv is a great husband, but we were both going through a lot at that time and it was unfair of me to expect him to do all that for me. Although he certainly did try. One day I heard this song on The Message on Sirius XM. It was by Lauren Daigle and it is called “ Look Up Child”. It hit me that God was truly begging to help me. All I needed to do, was Look Up!  As I listened to the words of that song, I realized that there is a person who can ease my mind. Who can put all my burdens on His shoulders. Who can lead me through the Holy Spirit in the ways I should go. I think this is when things began to change for me. When I realized how desperately God wanted to be that one who would always be there for me. And I , once again said to God, please forgive me for looking to everyone but You. Why did I do this time and time again? Why does God  have to keep reminding me? I think it was simply because at that time of my life I was truly overwhelmed by the massive amounts of “not normal” things I was having to deal with. Relational things. Financial things. Health things. Mental anxiety things. They just kept piling up. And what I want to say to you, is if you are dealing with these same overwhelming feelings, look up child. Gods shoulders are huge. His grace is enormous. His love is even greater still. And He will take all that heaviness on your shoulders and on your heart and just blow it all away if you give it to Him. This is something I still have to be reminded of at times. But overall, I think I have learned to trust God with His plans. Because I can’t think of one time in my life that His plan was not better than mine. What a freeing thing. To be able to pray and see the light in the clouds. It’s as though He reaches down and beams up all my problems through the light, up to Him. And they are no longer so heavy on my heart. What an amazing God we have. He not only gave us bodies that are fearfully and wonderfully made, that can go through tough surgeries and come out the other side physically better. But He cares so much about us always, that He wants to hear our concerns and our burdens so He can relieve our anxiety.  To God be the glory! 😊

A Grateful Heart...

I was always brought up to be thankful for things that were given to me. To always have a grateful heart. And I did have a very grateful heart when I received my new kidney. But is it possible to have a grateful heart and a struggling mind? I know I was and am very thankful for all that has been given me, but some days I just so want to go back to my Pre- transplant days of no medicines. Days when I felt like a normal person. Not the person who seems to be defined by having had a kidney transplant.
Could I possibly look good, just because its me? Or is it that I look good for having a transplant? Sounds like a crazy question, but one that I often thought about? How would I look if I hadn’t had a transplant? How would I look if I had never had kidney disease? What if I was able to go through life and just be “ normal”? Would I be happier? Would I be more self absorbed? Would I have spent more time trying to look beautiful if I hadn’t had this reality check thrown at me? I hope I wouldn’t have done that, but I come from a line of women who like to dress nicely and try to look as good as I can. It’s actually hard for me to throw on jeans and T shirt. I would much rather slip on a dress in the summer. It’s so much more comfortable than pants or capris. And I’m past wearing any real shorts. Lol. So in my mind... dress it is. But then I venture out and feel too overdressed , when in reality I am way more comfortable than most. I wondered if I would have still put on the weight that I did? Would I be enjoying life more or less? Would I have found time for my grandkids or would I have just kept on working at our business 60-70 hours a week? I don’t have answers to those questions. But I do know that dwelling on them will not make any difference. I am where I am and I believe I am here for a reason I can’t fully understand. I know I have gone through this traumatic thing for a reason. For someone other than myself. To help me grow. To help me be better. And for that my heart can be truly grateful. I try every day to find a reason God may still want me on this earth. Does Marv need me? Do my kids need me? Do my grandkids need me? Does my sister need me? Is there someone else out there that needs me? Again, I have no answers. Only guesses as to why I am where I am and existing how I am. With flaws. With shaky feelings. With wrinkles. With more weight than I like to carry around. With not enough energy or great days to change that. But every day I  keep trying. Trying to be a little better than before. To be a little wiser than before. I am my mother’s daughter and will always want to care what I look like, but I have learned that the outside beauty is not half as important as the inside. So, I am a work in progress, as we all are. But I believe God leads me every day to see how I can improve and be more useful to him. I believe He opens my eyes just a little more every day to see those around me who are hurting. I love the song “Give me Your Eyes“. It’s about God giving us His eyes so we can see the hurt around us like He sees it. I want to have those eyes. And I think going through this transplant has helped me be more that way. So, on days I find myself struggling to be thankful, I remember that God has a plan. A plan for my life, for your life, if we just be open to His leading. And that’s how I get through some days... not by looking at my own circumstances, but rather of those around me and how I can reach out to them. To God be the glory! 😊🙏

God, give me your eyes! 🙏

Fireworks and Sunsets...

Fireworks. A word usually associated with Independence Day. A word that is correlated with celebration and fun. Gatherings of friends and family. Cookouts...Hotdogs, Hamburgers. Summer and gratefulness for our many freedoms. In some ways, July 4, 2017, was a celebration of life for me. A new kidney that I had successfully kept for over a year, which meant I would have another day to be alive and enjoy my freedoms. I could celebrate the independence a new kidney gave me... no dialysis to be afraid of, at least for now. That was a huge freedom to me. But at this point in life, while my heart was grateful, my head was having its own little fireworks display. There were days, and still are days, that I feel as though there are fireworks going off inside me. The trembling in my hands became more intense the longer I took my medicines. It was starting to feel as though it was coming from deep inside me. A feeling of shaking From your core is a very hard feeling to describe. But that trembling and shakiness was leading to more and more anxiety. Which really infringed on my freedoms.. at least in my head. The thought of celebrating and being grateful for all my freedoms completely overwhelmed me. Our family has never been one to have huge cookouts and get togethers for the 4th. We usually kept it simple and we all knew it was an important day to be grateful. But I'm sure we couldn’t comprehend it to the extent of someone who had family members who fought in wars to defend us and died. For those who lost someone in service, their understanding of this day takes on a completely different level of appreciation and even sorrow. I thought to myself what a mixed up feeling these people left behind must have. Grateful for their freedoms. Sad that they had to lose someone in order to have them. Something I could never understand because I had never lived it. I think this helped me see why others who had not experienced a kidney transplant with the side effects I was having, could not really understand what I was feeling. It is very hard to put into words. The best way I can say it is sad gratitude... if that makes any sense at all. Grateful for my life, but mourning so many things that I used to enjoy. Things that were suddenly too hard to comprehend doing. Too hard to have fun. And too exhausting to fake my feelings about how I truly felt when other people were around. Life simply put, became daunting. I so wanted for someone to understand these crazy feelings I was having. The guilt I felt because I couldn’t be ecstatic about my new kidney. All the while people saying to me what an inspiration I was to them. I was handling everything I had gone through so well. And honestly I feel as though I did have my moments when I could have been an inspiration. But it was exhausting to be that person. I wanted to be someone others could look at and say, I want to be like her. And I had full intentions of being that person. But the reality was, I almost resented people who expected me to be positive all the time. I soon realized some people only want to be around inspirational people. And that’s fine. I get that. But what about those people who are struggling and don’t have the energy to be positive all the time? What do they do with their thoughts? I Have really felt led to address how they feel. If you are struggling and don’t have the energy to be upbeat all the time. It’s ok. There’s a song I love. It’s called, “Maybe it’s ok”. The meaning of the song is maybe it’s ok not to be ok. And I think that’s true sometimes. Everyone handles situations differently. And even those who seem to be an inspiration will sometimes not feel like being that way. The trick is finding a safe place where you are not the one being the inspiration,  but having someone who is willing to lift you up. So you might be asking why my title is fireworks and sunsets. The sunsets come in when I sit on my porch and quiet my soul and keep still. God let’s me know He is in control... and suddenly the world seems right again. It is a choice everyday to look for the sunsets.

Photos by Brooke Troyer. 😊