A Grateful Heart...

I was always brought up to be thankful for things that were given to me. To always have a grateful heart. And I did have a very grateful heart when I received my new kidney. But is it possible to have a grateful heart and a struggling mind? I know I was and am very thankful for all that has been given me, but some days I just so want to go back to my Pre- transplant days of no medicines. Days when I felt like a normal person. Not the person who seems to be defined by having had a kidney transplant.
Could I possibly look good, just because its me? Or is it that I look good for having a transplant? Sounds like a crazy question, but one that I often thought about? How would I look if I hadn’t had a transplant? How would I look if I had never had kidney disease? What if I was able to go through life and just be “ normal”? Would I be happier? Would I be more self absorbed? Would I have spent more time trying to look beautiful if I hadn’t had this reality check thrown at me? I hope I wouldn’t have done that, but I come from a line of women who like to dress nicely and try to look as good as I can. It’s actually hard for me to throw on jeans and T shirt. I would much rather slip on a dress in the summer. It’s so much more comfortable than pants or capris. And I’m past wearing any real shorts. Lol. So in my mind... dress it is. But then I venture out and feel too overdressed , when in reality I am way more comfortable than most. I wondered if I would have still put on the weight that I did? Would I be enjoying life more or less? Would I have found time for my grandkids or would I have just kept on working at our business 60-70 hours a week? I don’t have answers to those questions. But I do know that dwelling on them will not make any difference. I am where I am and I believe I am here for a reason I can’t fully understand. I know I have gone through this traumatic thing for a reason. For someone other than myself. To help me grow. To help me be better. And for that my heart can be truly grateful. I try every day to find a reason God may still want me on this earth. Does Marv need me? Do my kids need me? Do my grandkids need me? Does my sister need me? Is there someone else out there that needs me? Again, I have no answers. Only guesses as to why I am where I am and existing how I am. With flaws. With shaky feelings. With wrinkles. With more weight than I like to carry around. With not enough energy or great days to change that. But every day I  keep trying. Trying to be a little better than before. To be a little wiser than before. I am my mother’s daughter and will always want to care what I look like, but I have learned that the outside beauty is not half as important as the inside. So, I am a work in progress, as we all are. But I believe God leads me every day to see how I can improve and be more useful to him. I believe He opens my eyes just a little more every day to see those around me who are hurting. I love the song “Give me Your Eyes“. It’s about God giving us His eyes so we can see the hurt around us like He sees it. I want to have those eyes. And I think going through this transplant has helped me be more that way. So, on days I find myself struggling to be thankful, I remember that God has a plan. A plan for my life, for your life, if we just be open to His leading. And that’s how I get through some days... not by looking at my own circumstances, but rather of those around me and how I can reach out to them. To God be the glory! 😊🙏

God, give me your eyes! 🙏