Fireworks and Sunsets...

Fireworks. A word usually associated with Independence Day. A word that is correlated with celebration and fun. Gatherings of friends and family. Cookouts...Hotdogs, Hamburgers. Summer and gratefulness for our many freedoms. In some ways, July 4, 2017, was a celebration of life for me. A new kidney that I had successfully kept for over a year, which meant I would have another day to be alive and enjoy my freedoms. I could celebrate the independence a new kidney gave me... no dialysis to be afraid of, at least for now. That was a huge freedom to me. But at this point in life, while my heart was grateful, my head was having its own little fireworks display. There were days, and still are days, that I feel as though there are fireworks going off inside me. The trembling in my hands became more intense the longer I took my medicines. It was starting to feel as though it was coming from deep inside me. A feeling of shaking From your core is a very hard feeling to describe. But that trembling and shakiness was leading to more and more anxiety. Which really infringed on my freedoms.. at least in my head. The thought of celebrating and being grateful for all my freedoms completely overwhelmed me. Our family has never been one to have huge cookouts and get togethers for the 4th. We usually kept it simple and we all knew it was an important day to be grateful. But I'm sure we couldn’t comprehend it to the extent of someone who had family members who fought in wars to defend us and died. For those who lost someone in service, their understanding of this day takes on a completely different level of appreciation and even sorrow. I thought to myself what a mixed up feeling these people left behind must have. Grateful for their freedoms. Sad that they had to lose someone in order to have them. Something I could never understand because I had never lived it. I think this helped me see why others who had not experienced a kidney transplant with the side effects I was having, could not really understand what I was feeling. It is very hard to put into words. The best way I can say it is sad gratitude... if that makes any sense at all. Grateful for my life, but mourning so many things that I used to enjoy. Things that were suddenly too hard to comprehend doing. Too hard to have fun. And too exhausting to fake my feelings about how I truly felt when other people were around. Life simply put, became daunting. I so wanted for someone to understand these crazy feelings I was having. The guilt I felt because I couldn’t be ecstatic about my new kidney. All the while people saying to me what an inspiration I was to them. I was handling everything I had gone through so well. And honestly I feel as though I did have my moments when I could have been an inspiration. But it was exhausting to be that person. I wanted to be someone others could look at and say, I want to be like her. And I had full intentions of being that person. But the reality was, I almost resented people who expected me to be positive all the time. I soon realized some people only want to be around inspirational people. And that’s fine. I get that. But what about those people who are struggling and don’t have the energy to be positive all the time? What do they do with their thoughts? I Have really felt led to address how they feel. If you are struggling and don’t have the energy to be upbeat all the time. It’s ok. There’s a song I love. It’s called, “Maybe it’s ok”. The meaning of the song is maybe it’s ok not to be ok. And I think that’s true sometimes. Everyone handles situations differently. And even those who seem to be an inspiration will sometimes not feel like being that way. The trick is finding a safe place where you are not the one being the inspiration,  but having someone who is willing to lift you up. So you might be asking why my title is fireworks and sunsets. The sunsets come in when I sit on my porch and quiet my soul and keep still. God let’s me know He is in control... and suddenly the world seems right again. It is a choice everyday to look for the sunsets.

Photos by Brooke Troyer. 😊