How Long Can This Go On?

     Three months after my transplant the doctor insisted on doing a kidney biopsy. They wanted to have a starting point of how my new kidney was functioning, so if I had issues,  they would have a base to refer to. I was extremely concerned about doing this. I’m not sure why, but it just didn’t sound like something I wanted to do! Putting a needle in and taking a small amount of my new kidney that was doing well seemed like a bad idea. I had worked myself up to the point I was so scared.  I didn’t want to  “poke the bear”. Marv had to work the day of my biopsy, so a dear friend of mine took me to the Cleveland clinic. It was supposed to be maybe a couple of hours. He would do the procedure and then a bit in recovery. Just local anesthesia. Well, two hours turned into an entire day. The procedure supposedly went well. But I got so sick. I was throwing up, and I had to pee before I left. And when I could pee, it hurt and there was a lot of blood. Way more than there should be. At that moment I felt like I had taken two HUGE steps back. This was actually harder for me than the surgery. I can’t remember when I was ever that sick. I knew they had their reason for doing this procedure. But it was kind of hard to understand what it was right then. I remember feeling, “ how long can this go on?”  I think it was potentially the longest day of my life. I finally peed enough they let me go home. But there was still blood in my urine. And being in my extremely paranoid stage yet about this whole kidney thing, I went home feeling horrible. Imagining they messed with my new kidney!! Why did they do that? Did they maybe hurt it somehow?  I was not very happy. It took me a few days to recover from that “ simple” procedure. This did not help my anxiety I was feeling from my meds. At that point I really felt my whole world had been turned upside down. And I was never going to be able to get my life back. What were they going to do to me next? I can’t say I had the best attitude at that time of my life. I tried to turn to God, but I was just feeling way too messed up to believe He hadn't just decided I was too over the edge to care about me anymore. It was like my heart knew better, but my body and my head kept telling me differently. It was an extremely trying time for me. Looking back, I now know God never left me or gave up on me. But He sat patiently, watching over me, making sure I was ultimately ok, while I figured out how to come back to Him. I wish I could say this is the only time in my life God had to be patient with me while I found the path back into His arms. But, it was not. As I think about how many times He has patiently watched over me, and let me make the choice to fully turn to Him, it makes me so grateful for the God we have. Then I thought about those words I muttered, “how long can this go on?”, I had to wonder how many times God has had to look at me and say, how long is this going to go on? How long until she fully believes that I am here. I haven’t left her. I am watching over her. It’s not Me (God) who needs to change. I always have been, still am, and always will be the same everlasting God. It is her that needs to have faith and believe that about me. That’s when it really hit me. I needed to look in the mirror and decide how I was going to change. And there have been other times since then in different situations that God has had to be patient with me. But I can say, deep in my heart, I know with confidence God will never leave me. He just gave us that free will to choose Him. Choose faith. Choose joy. It’s not always easy, but I’m working on it. And thank God He is committed to being in it with me for the long haul. He will never leave me.I was looking at this beautiful picture of a spider web my husband took, and I felt this is what my life must look like to God. I go back and forth in all different directions in this intricate life He has given me. But God is in the middle of my “web” holding it all together. And the world can come around and tear my “ web” down, but God is right there to help me build it up again. May I always remember this image. To God be the Glory! 😊