What is happening to my emotions?

Have you ever felt like someone put you in a washing machine and you are being tossed about? You are tumbling around, understanding you are being “cleaned”, but feeling so confused, not knowing which end is up in the process? I think that is how I felt when I got home from the hospital after my transplant. My emotions went from excitement of going home, to oh my, what just happened? I remember walking through the door at home and going from  oh good ... I’m home, to, oh no, I’m home! As I said before, leaving the hospital was such an up and down feeling for me. I really wanted to get out, but once I had my freedom, I also realized I had no nurses to make sure everything was ok. No one to make sure I was taking my pills correctly. What if I suddenly started rejecting my kidney? Would I be smart enough to recognize it in time? I remember after having our first child I went through a bit of the same thing. Coming home and there were no more nurses there to help when she cried. Marv and I were responsible for this little human who invaded our existence. But with that also came so much love that my motherly instincts kicked in. And while I was grateful for this kidney, I think I was struggling finding love for this new thing that had invaded my existence. I think it was different for me than some others. I was close to dialysis, but got a transplant right before I had to start it  That was what I prayed for, I was afraid of dialysis. And God answered my prayers. But because of that, I had not yet experienced that full blown change in my life. I was just simply tired all the time. I didn’t have to totally change my diet etc. so after my transplant, I went through the feelings of, is this really better? I felt my whole life had been put in that washing machine and moved from the delicate setting to “bulky”! And to complicate things when we were at the hospital Marv picked up something. A day or so after we got home, he got extremely sick and was not in any kind of shape to take care of me. Not to mention feeling like I needed him to leave because I wasn’t supposed to be around anyone sick. How was this going to work? My mind was so overwhelmed, I just wanted to sit down and have a good cry. And I did. With the help of my family, I started to feel like I could put my big girl pants on and do what it took. At least for that day. Marv was quarantined to the upstairs of our house, except our bedroom. He was not allowed in there because I had to sleep there. He was moved to the guest room. I carried a bottle of Lysol with me, spraying it as I went to squash my fears of getting sick. They had drilled into me that if I got sick, depending what it was, I might have to go off my anti rejection drugs so my body could fight the sickness off. Which in turn means I am at risk of losing my kidney. So, I went from feeling this incredible desire to help Marv feel better, to ... really, you got sick NOW? Trust me, he felt bad and wanted to help me, but I was too genuinely frightened to have him around me. So I not only couldn't go anywhere, and only see a very few select people, but now I was kind of on my own. The worst part, I was on my own with emotions like a roller coaster. I truly couldn’t comprehend what was happening to my life. This was a combination of having my body go through a big physical change and all the medicine I was taking. Which, little did I know, was going to get worse before it got any better. The first four months after my transplant were extremely challenging for my mental health. Not everyone reacts like I do to the medicines I am on, but I have gotten literally every side effect possible. And I am on four medicines that have a side effect of depression and anxiety!  Like I said, some struggle with the physical aspects of a transplant, but for me this horrible depression and anxiety was almost too much to handle. I never knew how messed up you can get from medicines that throw off the chemical balance in your brain. Things that 5 years before would have been no big deal, all of a sudden are so overwhelming that I just didn’t want to do anything. I think I made a permanent imprint in my couch during that time. I went from a person who loved being around people to someone who would have rather just been by myself. I was used to photographing a wedding and walking up to people and talking to them all the time. And my job was literally talking to people to make them feel comfortable having their pictures taken. But that thought now petrified me. I truly just wanted someone to reach out and make me feel comfortable so I could live! There were so many friends, church people and family that tried to reach out with meals, phone calls quick visits from a distance, but truthfully I had such a wall up I couldn’t even fully appreciate all of it at the time. So, at this amazing point in life when I wanted so badly to feel excited  that I got a kidney, I was in such a depression, I hate to say I couldn’t even be grateful at that time. Now, I still battle depression, anxiety and tremors. But God has walked with me in so many ways that I can’t help but look back and now, be so very grateful for my kidney and for all those around me did to help carry me. Part of me says I need to apologize for feeling that way. But I know God was showing me another avenue of empathy and understanding that I can feel for those who battle depression and anxiety all the time. I would never been able to have this understanding if I had not gone through this myself. I am currently talking to the doctors about changing meds to see if there might be one that I won’t get these side effects. They are hesitantly willing to try it, but there is a risk my kidney might be rejected. And I also have to start all over again going to get bloodwork 3 times a week.  Im just not sure I’m ready for that risk and hassle with no guarantee right now. God has taught me much Through all of this and that is where I find peace. Knowing God is walking with me and never let’s go.

   Next time I will continue my journey.... until then to God be the glory!