What constitutes a great day?

    So here I am feeling like a lab rat. Believing all these drugs in my system are going to kill me rather then save my life! What is a person supposed to do with that? I thought, this must be how a hamster in a cage feels. You just keep going around and around and you never get anywhere. Going from a busy, business owner to a blob was just more than I could fathom. How could this be my life now? Then my brother, Stan would show up with a case of Dasani water , which was the only one I felt comfortable drinking for quite awhile. Or my sister, Diane would stop and help me with my pills. Or my brother, Larry or my brother in law, Ron would show up with the special fudgesicles I loved.  Or my sister in laws. Janice, Mary and JoAnne would stop and talk and  help me figure out things. Or so many of my friends from church and elsewhere would stop by with a meal so I didn’t have to think about cooking. My kids would check on me as much as they could and well,  then there was God. God showed up many times in ways I didn’t even realize at the time. On a good day, when I sat and really thought about all the people who truly cared about me, I was so ashamed at how ungrateful I felt. But then perhaps the next day I couldn't feel that love again. It was definitely there, everybody did so much. It was never about what others were or weren’t doing for me. It was about how my brain was reacting to these high power drugs. And the fact that I couldn’t seem to control how I feel. I know that’s against what so many people will tell you. Exercise. Just go for a walk. Read. Find something to do to take your mind off of it. Like that would all magically make this messed up feeling go away. Often the only thing I could make myself do was sit and watch a movie so I didn’t have to think at all. When I read what I’m saying I even think, I was really messed up! But I also know I couldn’t help it either. It was a chemical imbalance, which is what full blown depressions often are. And no walk, no matter how long, was ever going to take that confusion away. I tried. Believe me. I even tried just saying I would do those things so people would think I was ok. But it didn't change the fact that I still felt numb. I couldn’t just magically say it was so and ta-da! I’m great again. No matter how much I wanted to be ok, I just couldn’t be the old me. I remember saying, it’s like I got a new personality with my new kidney. I was not anticipating that. Since I have been writing in FB and writing this blog, I have had various people reach out to me in different ways to tell me they also know what this feels like. Or to ask for prayer in their journey. And I feel God is  telling me to never minimize what people are going through. Because I also know, now, how it feels. I’m not writing this to make you feel sorry for what I went and continue to go through. I am simply writing to let others know that they are not alone in this and I understand. I have gotten medicine that helps with my medicine induced chemical imbalance ( which sounds so ironic) but there are still days I literally have to get up and CHOOSE joy. CHOOSE to be ok. And I know I am not alone. I am not glad there are others who have to go through this as well, but I am glad we can talk about it and help each other through it. This has become my new normal. I used to just be kind of care free and happy. I went from being outgoing and friendly to being a recluse. I still try not to take things too seriously. But I do struggle sometimes to find the bright sun in a cloudy day. So I am writing this to all of you who understand depression because you have been there. Not because you learned about it in a text book. But because you live it. I know we will all be just fine. How do I know this? Because God has shown me time and time again that if I just choose to be joyful, not because of my circumstances, but because of my faith in Him, that I can get through anything. May not always be easy, but He will walk through it with me if I just let Him! I think the hardest, but yet best part of the entire transplant was having to go through this. It made me rely on God instead of myself or those around me to make me happy. My joy can only come through my belief and faith in Him. I know this with all my heart. Do I still struggle? Yes I do... sometimes. But we all struggle sometimes with whatever pain is put in our path. The victory comes with how we choose to deal with it. Do we get down on ourselves because we can’t kick these horrible feelings? Do we become bitter because why should we have to go through this? Do we end up with hate in our hearts because we are so sensitive and someone can’t understand how I’m feeling? Or do we realize there is no way we can do this on our own. And we have to literally give it to God every day. Not just once and done. I know the only way I can deal with this anxiety in my life is to every morning give it to God. If I get too busy and don’t do this, I can count on having a struggle all day. So, why wouldn’t I just make sure I do this every morning? Well, I try to. But I’m human and sometimes I just mess up. But at least I try. And I think God is pleased that I am doing my best. He, above anyone else, understands.  And I know that depression because of loss can be even different to deal with and I don’t want to minimize this depression from grief. But I also know that God can understand any of our hurts. So, what constitutes a great day?  Whether you give that day to God.
Till next time... To God be the Glory!