What now?

When we returned from Florida I had such a mixture of feelings. I was happy I had gone. Thankful I had the opportunity to go. Scared that I might get sick in the next few weeks from unknowingly picking up a virus from someone. Glad to be home. Thankful for my family. Confused about where I was to go from here. What’s next? I had no plan for anything, except doctors appointments and bloodwork days. Was that going to be my life from now on? Doctor appointments. Bloodwork. At this point I remember thinking, while yes, I went to Florida, I don’t think anyone understood the stress I felt in between the moments of joy I spent with my family. I wondered if it was really worth it and more importantly if it would ever be worth it? Time did change that. I’m not trying to be all doom and gloom. But I’m also trying to be honest for those who may go through a transplant and have the same side affects of the meds as I have. Know that you are not alone and that I understand those feelings. I wish I would have had someone tell me that back then. I struggled so much while trying to be positive around people because I was so blessed to have received a kidney. And yes, I was grateful, but I still had this new demon to deal with. And that was something nobody but my transplant coordinator could understand. And she had never been there, so she only knew it could happen, but had never felt it herself. I think that’s what truly drove me to start writing. I know there are people who go through a transplant and never get any side effects from the medicines. But for those of you who are like me and have gotten EVERY side effect, I want you to know I understand. And please know, you are not the only one. Your feelings are real and justified. It doesn’t mean you are not grateful for that new kidney. It simply means you don’t know what to do with this new issue. So time passed and I pretty much only did go to doctor appointments and the lab for bloodwork. I didn’t have a lot of desire to go places because I didn’t want to have to deal with the after stress of wondering if I had exposed myself to an illness. It was much safer to just stay home. And people really do mean well when they ask you how you are doing and you try to be somewhat honest and say, “ my kidney is great but I’m dealing with so many side effects”. They would most often reply, “ I’m so glad you are doing well. You are so blessed to have gotten a new kidney!” I would just nod my head and say, yes I am. While on the inside I was screaming, why can’t they see the pain I am going through and quit talking about this wonderful new kidney? I had this horrible feeling like, did you not hear anything I said? I said I am struggling. I did not say I am doing great! With time I realized two things. First there are people who probably did hear my pain, but had no idea what to do with that, and the normal reaction is to be positive , to give hope. And the other people were just being polite in the first place to ask, but not ever really wanting to hear the true version, so they just were positive to hopefully be able to go on their way. I know I am truly guilty of both of these scenarios, probably more times than I realize. And it took me a while to be able to keep their responses in perspective and walk away with understanding instead of anger. At first my reaction was to not go anywhere so people wouldn’t ask me the dreaded question. Then I went places and only told the good part about my kidney doing well, so everyone else could feel good about my situation. Then I would go home and sometimes, just cry. This new life did not seem like it was for me. I’m sure some of you may be thinking I am horribly ungrateful. But I wasn’t. I was simply emotionally hurting. A lot. But then God knew I was hurting and he gave me two people.  I had my sister who is an angel and would always listen with much empathy. And I had a dear friend who not only listened, but understood having pain from her own circumstances and how it was easier to tell people you are doing great instead of telling the truth. These were my two angels. I think I would have possibly completely lost my mind without them. So, if there is anyone out there dealing with the same things I am, please know I understand. And I have a listening ear if you need it. God has shown me that listening ears are rare these days. People are busy. They want to know, and they most likely do care, but it is a human reaction to want to be around  positive people! So I tried to be that person on the outside. Those were trying times for me, knowing I had to put up a front so much of the time so people would still want to be around me. God blessed me with a husband who put up with me and I am grateful for that. So I’ve found having a couple people you can turn to when you need a human ear, is worth more than gold. And I think God has taught me through all this to be that person as much as I can. So today I am writing this for those of you who are emotionally hurting and don’t know what to do with it. Yes, we do need to give it to God. But I have found that sometimes I just needed a human ear. I needed to hear God through another person. And God has put it in my heart  to be that person for someone else that may need it.

God is good... all the time. All the time... God is good. But there are times when we need a person to understand us. And I am so thankful God gave me two of those special people. The pictures below are to give you hope. I have once again gotten my love for the beach back! To God be the Glory!!😊