A Light through the Clouds...”

Sometimes we go through life waiting for someone to make it easier on us. Someone who could just swoop us up and show us how we could ride to the end of our lives on a breeze. Not very realistic. But I have found times I wish I could find that one person. The one who would just take all my problems and blow them away and say, no worries my dear. I’ll take care of you. It’s amazing how I searched for that after my transplant. The way the meds affected me made me want someone who could do that exact ridiculous thing for me. Well, yes it is unrealistic to think someone will just show up through your front door someday to take away all your problems. And I knew that. So I struggled. I let the anxiety and depression get me down. It seemed as though  I let it take over my entire life. I found myself dwelling in the fact that I was too anxious to do anything. Too depressed to care. Rather than being grateful my eyes opened to see another morning. or another incredible sunset. I know I missed so much during that time in my life because I was waiting for “my“ person to come save me. I was actually praying for that one person to just take care of me because I was simply tired. There were many other things going on in our lives at the same time that added a complete new set of anxiety and depression. There were days I just felt like I was a robot. Going through the motions that I knew I had to do until I could go to sleep. But then God was sure to give me another slap in the face. It was as if He said to me one day, why are you still searching for that person to carry all your burdens? Someone to simply take care of you. To ease your mind and lead you on your journey. Marv is a great husband, but we were both going through a lot at that time and it was unfair of me to expect him to do all that for me. Although he certainly did try. One day I heard this song on The Message on Sirius XM. It was by Lauren Daigle and it is called “ Look Up Child”. It hit me that God was truly begging to help me. All I needed to do, was Look Up!  As I listened to the words of that song, I realized that there is a person who can ease my mind. Who can put all my burdens on His shoulders. Who can lead me through the Holy Spirit in the ways I should go. I think this is when things began to change for me. When I realized how desperately God wanted to be that one who would always be there for me. And I , once again said to God, please forgive me for looking to everyone but You. Why did I do this time and time again? Why does God  have to keep reminding me? I think it was simply because at that time of my life I was truly overwhelmed by the massive amounts of “not normal” things I was having to deal with. Relational things. Financial things. Health things. Mental anxiety things. They just kept piling up. And what I want to say to you, is if you are dealing with these same overwhelming feelings, look up child. Gods shoulders are huge. His grace is enormous. His love is even greater still. And He will take all that heaviness on your shoulders and on your heart and just blow it all away if you give it to Him. This is something I still have to be reminded of at times. But overall, I think I have learned to trust God with His plans. Because I can’t think of one time in my life that His plan was not better than mine. What a freeing thing. To be able to pray and see the light in the clouds. It’s as though He reaches down and beams up all my problems through the light, up to Him. And they are no longer so heavy on my heart. What an amazing God we have. He not only gave us bodies that are fearfully and wonderfully made, that can go through tough surgeries and come out the other side physically better. But He cares so much about us always, that He wants to hear our concerns and our burdens so He can relieve our anxiety.  To God be the glory! 😊

A Grateful Heart...

I was always brought up to be thankful for things that were given to me. To always have a grateful heart. And I did have a very grateful heart when I received my new kidney. But is it possible to have a grateful heart and a struggling mind? I know I was and am very thankful for all that has been given me, but some days I just so want to go back to my Pre- transplant days of no medicines. Days when I felt like a normal person. Not the person who seems to be defined by having had a kidney transplant.
Could I possibly look good, just because its me? Or is it that I look good for having a transplant? Sounds like a crazy question, but one that I often thought about? How would I look if I hadn’t had a transplant? How would I look if I had never had kidney disease? What if I was able to go through life and just be “ normal”? Would I be happier? Would I be more self absorbed? Would I have spent more time trying to look beautiful if I hadn’t had this reality check thrown at me? I hope I wouldn’t have done that, but I come from a line of women who like to dress nicely and try to look as good as I can. It’s actually hard for me to throw on jeans and T shirt. I would much rather slip on a dress in the summer. It’s so much more comfortable than pants or capris. And I’m past wearing any real shorts. Lol. So in my mind... dress it is. But then I venture out and feel too overdressed , when in reality I am way more comfortable than most. I wondered if I would have still put on the weight that I did? Would I be enjoying life more or less? Would I have found time for my grandkids or would I have just kept on working at our business 60-70 hours a week? I don’t have answers to those questions. But I do know that dwelling on them will not make any difference. I am where I am and I believe I am here for a reason I can’t fully understand. I know I have gone through this traumatic thing for a reason. For someone other than myself. To help me grow. To help me be better. And for that my heart can be truly grateful. I try every day to find a reason God may still want me on this earth. Does Marv need me? Do my kids need me? Do my grandkids need me? Does my sister need me? Is there someone else out there that needs me? Again, I have no answers. Only guesses as to why I am where I am and existing how I am. With flaws. With shaky feelings. With wrinkles. With more weight than I like to carry around. With not enough energy or great days to change that. But every day I  keep trying. Trying to be a little better than before. To be a little wiser than before. I am my mother’s daughter and will always want to care what I look like, but I have learned that the outside beauty is not half as important as the inside. So, I am a work in progress, as we all are. But I believe God leads me every day to see how I can improve and be more useful to him. I believe He opens my eyes just a little more every day to see those around me who are hurting. I love the song “Give me Your Eyes“. It’s about God giving us His eyes so we can see the hurt around us like He sees it. I want to have those eyes. And I think going through this transplant has helped me be more that way. So, on days I find myself struggling to be thankful, I remember that God has a plan. A plan for my life, for your life, if we just be open to His leading. And that’s how I get through some days... not by looking at my own circumstances, but rather of those around me and how I can reach out to them. To God be the glory! 😊🙏

God, give me your eyes! 🙏

Fireworks and Sunsets...

Fireworks. A word usually associated with Independence Day. A word that is correlated with celebration and fun. Gatherings of friends and family. Cookouts...Hotdogs, Hamburgers. Summer and gratefulness for our many freedoms. In some ways, July 4, 2017, was a celebration of life for me. A new kidney that I had successfully kept for over a year, which meant I would have another day to be alive and enjoy my freedoms. I could celebrate the independence a new kidney gave me... no dialysis to be afraid of, at least for now. That was a huge freedom to me. But at this point in life, while my heart was grateful, my head was having its own little fireworks display. There were days, and still are days, that I feel as though there are fireworks going off inside me. The trembling in my hands became more intense the longer I took my medicines. It was starting to feel as though it was coming from deep inside me. A feeling of shaking From your core is a very hard feeling to describe. But that trembling and shakiness was leading to more and more anxiety. Which really infringed on my freedoms.. at least in my head. The thought of celebrating and being grateful for all my freedoms completely overwhelmed me. Our family has never been one to have huge cookouts and get togethers for the 4th. We usually kept it simple and we all knew it was an important day to be grateful. But I'm sure we couldn’t comprehend it to the extent of someone who had family members who fought in wars to defend us and died. For those who lost someone in service, their understanding of this day takes on a completely different level of appreciation and even sorrow. I thought to myself what a mixed up feeling these people left behind must have. Grateful for their freedoms. Sad that they had to lose someone in order to have them. Something I could never understand because I had never lived it. I think this helped me see why others who had not experienced a kidney transplant with the side effects I was having, could not really understand what I was feeling. It is very hard to put into words. The best way I can say it is sad gratitude... if that makes any sense at all. Grateful for my life, but mourning so many things that I used to enjoy. Things that were suddenly too hard to comprehend doing. Too hard to have fun. And too exhausting to fake my feelings about how I truly felt when other people were around. Life simply put, became daunting. I so wanted for someone to understand these crazy feelings I was having. The guilt I felt because I couldn’t be ecstatic about my new kidney. All the while people saying to me what an inspiration I was to them. I was handling everything I had gone through so well. And honestly I feel as though I did have my moments when I could have been an inspiration. But it was exhausting to be that person. I wanted to be someone others could look at and say, I want to be like her. And I had full intentions of being that person. But the reality was, I almost resented people who expected me to be positive all the time. I soon realized some people only want to be around inspirational people. And that’s fine. I get that. But what about those people who are struggling and don’t have the energy to be positive all the time? What do they do with their thoughts? I Have really felt led to address how they feel. If you are struggling and don’t have the energy to be upbeat all the time. It’s ok. There’s a song I love. It’s called, “Maybe it’s ok”. The meaning of the song is maybe it’s ok not to be ok. And I think that’s true sometimes. Everyone handles situations differently. And even those who seem to be an inspiration will sometimes not feel like being that way. The trick is finding a safe place where you are not the one being the inspiration,  but having someone who is willing to lift you up. So you might be asking why my title is fireworks and sunsets. The sunsets come in when I sit on my porch and quiet my soul and keep still. God let’s me know He is in control... and suddenly the world seems right again. It is a choice everyday to look for the sunsets.

Photos by Brooke Troyer. 😊

“ There is always hope...”

So one year down. I was glad to be that far along. But I still had so many anxieties and concerns about eating. I felt as though they were pushing me to eat more processed food because that wouldn’t have the bacteria that could be in fresh foods. ( which made no sense to me, but I did it.)  So I had been doing a lot of that for a year. And my weight just kept going up and up. By this time I had probably gained a good 25 pds. I felt miserable. But I still was struggling with eating other things. So I just continued. I started doing a few more things to try to get out. My shakiness from the meds had not fully taken over at this point yet, but enough it was extremely annoying. I think these first two years were just a constant trial for me. Nothing specific, I just was not feeling like me. When I write things like this I’m not trying to be a downer. I’m not seriously depressed right now. I’m simply telling the truth. I’m not sugar coating things to make it seem as though everything was great. Because it certainly wasn’t. But at the time I tried my best to not be a complete disaster around other people. Which is a trial in itself. There were a few people I knew I could tell how it really was. But beyond that I kept it all in. Mostly because I felt if I started telling just anyone, I would totally just start telling everyone. And that’s never a good idea. But beyond my weight gain and my continued depression,, I have to say I ventured out more that year. And when I did, one day God sent me someone to help me. I was talking to someone who’s husband had a kidney transplant and she told me it was a good 2 years for him until he felt “normal” again. I can’t even emphasize how much that helped me. It gave me hope for the future. And she was right. It was about 2-2 1/2 years until I felt at all normal. At least my new normal. I think the reason I’m saying this is so if anyone out there is struggling with this part of a kidney journey, you are not alone. There is hope. And I’ve found so many times God truly knew exactly when I needed those amazing rays of hope. He is an amazing God and His timing is perfect. So, year two started out feeling miserable because of the weight gain. Still struggling with anxiety. But filled with hope for the future!  There is always hope because God is good. 😊 To God be the glory! ❤️

Coming out of the “holes”...

   We all need to find our way when things change in our lives. However, I was feeling like my GPS was no longer working. I just couldn’t seem to get going in the right direction. After my 5 day stint in the hospital, I struggled to find purpose. I was able to go on with the lesson I learned, that it is better to help someone than to dig a hole for myself. But finding purpose? If I am honest, I pretty much still have trouble finding my purpose. Some days are harder than others. But I have found If I reach out instead of thinking of myself , that is also a wonderful purpose to have. I believe God was not only trying to show me a lesson about helping others. He was also letting me know that my purpose is not gone at all. Reaching out to people with a listening ear. Praying for people when they feel broken or discouraged or scared, is an amazing purpose. I have to be honest and say I had some tough times the first two years after my transplant. But God has always brought me through. Every time I begin to struggle, it is nice to have those memories of how God carried me through rough times before to remind me of Gods faithfulness. Moving forward to January 2017. Where do I go now? It’s been a year already since my transplant. How do I get out of my “ hole”? Anyone who has struggled with anxiety or depression knows exactly what I mean. It can be as if you know things that need to be done, but no idea how you could ever accomplish those things! I mean really, can anyone expect to get 2 things done in 1 day? That’s how bad a lot of days were and still are sometimes for me. Wow. I used to do so many things in one day! I basically never stopped. But things were still different for me a year after surgery. And they honestly still are. I know I wasn’t expecting any of this. I can’t emphasize enough how I thought, along with everyone else, that once I got my new kidney, life would be grand. And for some that is the case and I am so glad it is. But for me, I think I had and still have some things worth learning. And for whatever reason God wants me to not only read about how to help people with this horrific depression, He wants me to experience it. The thing is, I can guarantee you I will always be understanding of someone’s depression. God has shown me that just reading about and going to classes (which I did) was not enough for me. I had gone through ”Stephen Ministry” classes at our church. It is an amazing program and the classes were fantastic. As a Stephen Minister, we are assigned a care receiver who is asking for someone to walk with them. I had 2 through this ministry. But since my transplant I have been able to truly walk with some people that God has simply just put in my path. I know God is choosing to use me in ways I might not understand, but He also has allowed me to go through some intense “classes” by experience, so I am able to reach those He feels I need to be available for . There really is nothing like human experience when learning how to truly relate to those in need. I can’t say I was able to crawl out of my hole right away. But I do know God had a hold of my hand and helped pull me up as He saw fit. I am so very thankful for that. So my strategy these days is to try to remember if it’s a sunny day or a rainy day, or perhaps both of those in the same day, as in the pictures below. God has been faithful so many times in my life. And God will always continue to be faithful. And when I find myself crawling back into my hole, I just need to search for Gods hand to pull me out!  😊To God be the glory!

Digging Holes...

  As I said in my last post, Florida was nice, but there is truly no place like home. The trip made me appreciate our home more than ever. The summer was pretty uneventful. Just the normal appointments and blood work. I even found myself push mowing the yard. And driving the tractor for the rest of the 5 acres here. I enjoyed feeling useful again. And I felt great physically. But I still struggled with my medicine demons. I do have to say,  that summer of 2016 I felt like I was making progress. Until October 2016. Because I was a hard person to match, the kidney I got was not a perfect match. There is a virus ( CMV) that most people are immune to. But not me. It’s something most people have had sometime in their lives,  but for some reason I avoided it. So, because my kidney donor had it previously and I had not, I was very susceptible to getting it.  It can be life threatening for a transplant recipient like me if not caught in time. By October I had almost forgotten about this risk. But one day I woke up and absolutely could not move. I had a severe headache and I immediately knew something was wrong. I called my transplant coordinator to see if she could put an order to test for CMV so I could go get bloodwork. She said, no. You come immediately up to Cleveland. We want to check and most likely put you in the hospital. So I went up to Cleveland and sure enough I had this virus. They immediately put me in the hospital and gave me an IV with the necessary medicines. I was in there for 5 days and was so thankful we caught it early enough. While I was in there I had a roommate that my heart just broke for. She had been in and out of the hospital for many many things. She had a transplant years ago. But then while in the hospital for an appendectomy about 3 years prior to this October, she developed sepsis. She would just moan and groan. She was in so much pain. Her husband said she had been in the hospital more than not in the last 3 years. I think it was a turning point for me in some ways, as I laid in my bed and listened to her in so much pain. I think when you go through something major like a transplant, it is easy to think you are the only one going through this. But in those 5 days I realized I certainly had nothing to complain about. Other than my side effects,  I was really in good health. And once I could recover from this virus, I would be going home in hopes of not returning for a long long time. I felt so sad for my roommate as I thought about her going home, knowing she would probably be back in the hospital very soon again. It gave me an entirely new perspective on my situation. I no longer felt sorry for myself that I had to go through this. I still struggle every day with my medicines. But, if I start to dig that hole for myself , I remember that lady and say a prayer for her and all of her struggles. God has a way of answering our prayers with very unusual circumstances. I had been praying, why did I have to go through this? Why did I have to take all these medicines for the rest of my life? Just digging myself in a deep deep hole. I believe that’s when God decided I needed to see first hand to realize I’m not the only one with issues, and choosing to help another person in pain will often help alleviate my own pain. It was not fun to be in the hospital so soon again, but it was a lesson well worth learning. I have no idea where my roommate is today, but I pray she found peace in some form. And I’m sure God has His hand over her, just as He has over me. To God be the glory 😊 The picture below is of my 9 yr old grandson. He loves to “mine” our dirt. I was asking if he was digging for gold. I expected yeah, I wanna be rich. But instead he said he was mining to help people. He was mining for coal to keep their houses warm. Not Mining for gold for himself! Now understand I don’t think he is totally unselfish by any means, he’s nine. But I had to think...

Instead of digging a hole so deep for us to climb in, why don’t we dig deep in our hearts to find something that could help someone else? It’s amazing how God can use that very simple act to  not only 

help that other person , but also us. 😊

What now?

When we returned from Florida I had such a mixture of feelings. I was happy I had gone. Thankful I had the opportunity to go. Scared that I might get sick in the next few weeks from unknowingly picking up a virus from someone. Glad to be home. Thankful for my family. Confused about where I was to go from here. What’s next? I had no plan for anything, except doctors appointments and bloodwork days. Was that going to be my life from now on? Doctor appointments. Bloodwork. At this point I remember thinking, while yes, I went to Florida, I don’t think anyone understood the stress I felt in between the moments of joy I spent with my family. I wondered if it was really worth it and more importantly if it would ever be worth it? Time did change that. I’m not trying to be all doom and gloom. But I’m also trying to be honest for those who may go through a transplant and have the same side affects of the meds as I have. Know that you are not alone and that I understand those feelings. I wish I would have had someone tell me that back then. I struggled so much while trying to be positive around people because I was so blessed to have received a kidney. And yes, I was grateful, but I still had this new demon to deal with. And that was something nobody but my transplant coordinator could understand. And she had never been there, so she only knew it could happen, but had never felt it herself. I think that’s what truly drove me to start writing. I know there are people who go through a transplant and never get any side effects from the medicines. But for those of you who are like me and have gotten EVERY side effect, I want you to know I understand. And please know, you are not the only one. Your feelings are real and justified. It doesn’t mean you are not grateful for that new kidney. It simply means you don’t know what to do with this new issue. So time passed and I pretty much only did go to doctor appointments and the lab for bloodwork. I didn’t have a lot of desire to go places because I didn’t want to have to deal with the after stress of wondering if I had exposed myself to an illness. It was much safer to just stay home. And people really do mean well when they ask you how you are doing and you try to be somewhat honest and say, “ my kidney is great but I’m dealing with so many side effects”. They would most often reply, “ I’m so glad you are doing well. You are so blessed to have gotten a new kidney!” I would just nod my head and say, yes I am. While on the inside I was screaming, why can’t they see the pain I am going through and quit talking about this wonderful new kidney? I had this horrible feeling like, did you not hear anything I said? I said I am struggling. I did not say I am doing great! With time I realized two things. First there are people who probably did hear my pain, but had no idea what to do with that, and the normal reaction is to be positive , to give hope. And the other people were just being polite in the first place to ask, but not ever really wanting to hear the true version, so they just were positive to hopefully be able to go on their way. I know I am truly guilty of both of these scenarios, probably more times than I realize. And it took me a while to be able to keep their responses in perspective and walk away with understanding instead of anger. At first my reaction was to not go anywhere so people wouldn’t ask me the dreaded question. Then I went places and only told the good part about my kidney doing well, so everyone else could feel good about my situation. Then I would go home and sometimes, just cry. This new life did not seem like it was for me. I’m sure some of you may be thinking I am horribly ungrateful. But I wasn’t. I was simply emotionally hurting. A lot. But then God knew I was hurting and he gave me two people.  I had my sister who is an angel and would always listen with much empathy. And I had a dear friend who not only listened, but understood having pain from her own circumstances and how it was easier to tell people you are doing great instead of telling the truth. These were my two angels. I think I would have possibly completely lost my mind without them. So, if there is anyone out there dealing with the same things I am, please know I understand. And I have a listening ear if you need it. God has shown me that listening ears are rare these days. People are busy. They want to know, and they most likely do care, but it is a human reaction to want to be around  positive people! So I tried to be that person on the outside. Those were trying times for me, knowing I had to put up a front so much of the time so people would still want to be around me. God blessed me with a husband who put up with me and I am grateful for that. So I’ve found having a couple people you can turn to when you need a human ear, is worth more than gold. And I think God has taught me through all this to be that person as much as I can. So today I am writing this for those of you who are emotionally hurting and don’t know what to do with it. Yes, we do need to give it to God. But I have found that sometimes I just needed a human ear. I needed to hear God through another person. And God has put it in my heart  to be that person for someone else that may need it.

God is good... all the time. All the time... God is good. But there are times when we need a person to understand us. And I am so thankful God gave me two of those special people. The pictures below are to give you hope. I have once again gotten my love for the beach back! To God be the Glory!!😊

Florida Here I Come????

Back in the beginning of 2015 we, as a family,  decided we wanted to rent a beach house and go to Florida for a week. I wasn’t seeing any real hope of a transplant happening in the near future, so we booked a place for the spring of 2016. It would be a good change of scenery for me and the beach is the best place for me to rest.  I was really looking forward to this... a lot. Spending a week on the beach with my husband, kids and grandkids? Heaven!! Well, then it happened. They found a kidney match in January of 2016 and I had to face the reality that this precious Florida trip might not be happening, at least not with me. I went over every little scenario in my mInd. Then I tried to convince the doctors it would be ok. As time passed, God gave me a gift. The transplant coordinator said I could go for a week. Just had to get my blood work before I go, and as soon as I got back. Plus there is a Mayo Clinic close to where we were, in case anything came up. I was so grateful. I hadn’t been out much to that point, so this just seemed amazing//scary! When it came right down to it, mostly scary. I fought to get the permission to go, then spent my days fretting about everything! What was I was going to eat?   Could I eat at a restaurant on the way down? Was I going to get to ever go out to eat at all with my family, or was I going to have to pack all my own meals? Also the transplant coordinator made it very clear I couldn’t be barefoot on the beach because of the bacteria in the sand. I could however, be in the ocean barefoot. Hmmm? That was going to be a magic trick in my mind! How do I get back from the ocean without getting sand on my feet? I tried water shoes. They just filled up with sand. So, suddenly going to the beach didn’t seem as fun as it used to be. Then also I had to wear a big hat to protect my head from the sun and use MUCH 50-100 SPF lotion because of the medicines I was on. I’ve always been dark complected and was pretty loose with SPF anything. I know, now, that was dumb,  but I never ever burnt until AFTER my transplant because I apparently didn’t put ENOUGH lotion on! Guess now I am also sympathetic to someone who gets burnt. I never felt that before! So that was a big change for me. My skin changed completely. Sounds like a silly little problem, but it was just frustrating to me, at a time when every little frustration became huge. So, I started to wonder if going on a trip was even worth it. Suddenly I went from so excited to complete panic mode. I almost didn't go. But, finally,  I mustered up enough courage to get things ready and leave Then God worked his miracles. We had booked this place a year in advance and it had a salt water pool. I had no idea at the time that we booked the house, that would be the only kind of pool I would be allowed to be in. So I did get to be in the pool with the kids. Which really helped. I also figured out if I wore my leather tennis shoes on the beach and into the ocean, not much sand got in them. And I could just wash my feet and my shoes as soon as I could. So I went in the ocean with the kids a couple times. I used to LOVE to go in the ocean and jump the waves. And I got to do that. I got to sit close to the water with the grandkids and laugh so hard when the ocean waves would come crashing at us. We would all scream, then wipe our faces and just laugh. I was able to walk the beach with them looking for shells. I just had to use lots of lotion and a big hat, which I almost lost from the wind many times. My oldest granddaughter, Riley and I had matching hats. She would wear it sometimes to make me feel better. However,  I was still paranoid about my eating and the cleanliness of everything! I have never been a germ freak. So this feeling was all foreign to me. Once again I learned another group of people to be understanding of. Those who can’t touch things for fear of germs. Never in a million years did I think that would be me!! But it was, at least for a few years. I’m much better now. But I have true empathy for those who have this very real feeling they just can’t shake. Another lesson God taught me through all of this. Be patient with those people who have very real fears. Overall,  I had a really amazing, blessing filled week. And I am so glad I got enough courage to go. But it was also a learning, humbling experience. I can honestly say God walked every step of it with me, as He always does. So what this experience showed me, was that sometimes I can find the courage to do things that may be scary, knowing God will walk with me and do His miracles! He is a true God of miracles... Him wanting us in His life is a miracle in itself. The creator of the universe wants to walk with ME! Wow! That was the best lesson I ever learned!  To God be the glory!!

So I survived, now what?

So, I survived my kidney biopsy. Now I was wondering what was next. I wondered what the doctors had planned for me. But more importantly, what did God have planned? I was quickly realizing, at this point, that most trials came with lessons. In one way that scared me. But it also gave me peace at the same time, if that’s possible. I thought, I really don’t want to go through anything else that would cause me pain, anxiety or really, anything hard! I was just done. But it also gave me peace because I was reminded that when I go through trials God is walking with me and that He has proven to me, time and time again, that in any trial of mine, He was in control. What is interesting is that I knew, that God knew, that I needed a break right then. Because while I was still anxious, depressed and pretty paranoid about everything, nothing extra was added to my plate for a little while. The doctors let me start coming in once a month after 4 months and I only had to do bloodwork every other week. This seemed like a vacation, not having to go to the doctors or the lab so often. It felt like progress. A feeling that was much much needed right then. And, of course, God was fully aware of that need. So I would say there was maybe one or two months when nothing dramatic really happened. I went to all my doctor appointments. I did all my bloodwork as they asked me to. I still struggled with my eating and anxiety etc. Then all of a sudden another major side affect of my medicines became worse. It was, and still is, something I struggle with every day. I started with horrible tremors. My right hand would at times just shake uncontrollably. This again is not something everyone gets, but I was blessed with another side affect. It is worse some days than others. But little things I never thought about before became a real challenge. Something as simple as getting food on a fork or spoon from the plate to my mouth. Or writing my name legibly. Things I never imagined I would have trouble doing. At least not at age 57. This caused my anxiety and depression to worsen. I remember the first time Marv took me to a restaurant where I was trying to put drink from the machine in my cup. I couldn’t hardly get it in the cup because of shaking so badly. This of course was embarrassing, but I’m thankful I was able to think about how funny this must look to others that I was able to laugh at myself! However, when I went to my general doctor, he wanted me to see a doctor who specializes in Parkinson’s disease. And this was the not so funny reality, my Dad had Parkinsons and one of my brothers currently has it. So, it seemed like a possibility. Not one I wanted to think about, but a reality  I couldn’t deny.  The problem is there is no definite test for this disease, and the side affects of my medicines are almost exactly the signs of Parkinson’s. So I prayed about it. I didn’t want to go to more doctors and through more tests when they really couldn’t definitively tell me if it was the disease or the side affects. And I certainly didn’t want to be put on more medicines because of a guess that it was the disease. After much anxiety and prayer, I felt a peace with assuming it is the side affects of my medicines. I don’t really know how to explain it other than I had peace that once again God’s got this. Just as He has before, many many times. And if it should end up being Parkinsons, God will also carry me through that as well. I think this was possibly the first real peace that I felt after my transplant, which was so interesting to me. Why, at the possibility of a life long, not fun, illness was I at peace? Because I was finally fully realizing that I was not in control, God was! And handing that control over to Him gave me immense peace. So in the midst of yet another thing to face, God reminded me of His incredible love for me. The question was, how many times would He have to keep reminding me?...