“ There is always hope...”

So one year down. I was glad to be that far along. But I still had so many anxieties and concerns about eating. I felt as though they were pushing me to eat more processed food because that wouldn’t have the bacteria that could be in fresh foods. ( which made no sense to me, but I did it.)  So I had been doing a lot of that for a year. And my weight just kept going up and up. By this time I had probably gained a good 25 pds. I felt miserable. But I still was struggling with eating other things. So I just continued. I started doing a few more things to try to get out. My shakiness from the meds had not fully taken over at this point yet, but enough it was extremely annoying. I think these first two years were just a constant trial for me. Nothing specific, I just was not feeling like me. When I write things like this I’m not trying to be a downer. I’m not seriously depressed right now. I’m simply telling the truth. I’m not sugar coating things to make it seem as though everything was great. Because it certainly wasn’t. But at the time I tried my best to not be a complete disaster around other people. Which is a trial in itself. There were a few people I knew I could tell how it really was. But beyond that I kept it all in. Mostly because I felt if I started telling just anyone, I would totally just start telling everyone. And that’s never a good idea. But beyond my weight gain and my continued depression,, I have to say I ventured out more that year. And when I did, one day God sent me someone to help me. I was talking to someone who’s husband had a kidney transplant and she told me it was a good 2 years for him until he felt “normal” again. I can’t even emphasize how much that helped me. It gave me hope for the future. And she was right. It was about 2-2 1/2 years until I felt at all normal. At least my new normal. I think the reason I’m saying this is so if anyone out there is struggling with this part of a kidney journey, you are not alone. There is hope. And I’ve found so many times God truly knew exactly when I needed those amazing rays of hope. He is an amazing God and His timing is perfect. So, year two started out feeling miserable because of the weight gain. Still struggling with anxiety. But filled with hope for the future!  There is always hope because God is good. 😊 To God be the glory! ❤️

Coming out of the “holes”...

   We all need to find our way when things change in our lives. However, I was feeling like my GPS was no longer working. I just couldn’t seem to get going in the right direction. After my 5 day stint in the hospital, I struggled to find purpose. I was able to go on with the lesson I learned, that it is better to help someone than to dig a hole for myself. But finding purpose? If I am honest, I pretty much still have trouble finding my purpose. Some days are harder than others. But I have found If I reach out instead of thinking of myself , that is also a wonderful purpose to have. I believe God was not only trying to show me a lesson about helping others. He was also letting me know that my purpose is not gone at all. Reaching out to people with a listening ear. Praying for people when they feel broken or discouraged or scared, is an amazing purpose. I have to be honest and say I had some tough times the first two years after my transplant. But God has always brought me through. Every time I begin to struggle, it is nice to have those memories of how God carried me through rough times before to remind me of Gods faithfulness. Moving forward to January 2017. Where do I go now? It’s been a year already since my transplant. How do I get out of my “ hole”? Anyone who has struggled with anxiety or depression knows exactly what I mean. It can be as if you know things that need to be done, but no idea how you could ever accomplish those things! I mean really, can anyone expect to get 2 things done in 1 day? That’s how bad a lot of days were and still are sometimes for me. Wow. I used to do so many things in one day! I basically never stopped. But things were still different for me a year after surgery. And they honestly still are. I know I wasn’t expecting any of this. I can’t emphasize enough how I thought, along with everyone else, that once I got my new kidney, life would be grand. And for some that is the case and I am so glad it is. But for me, I think I had and still have some things worth learning. And for whatever reason God wants me to not only read about how to help people with this horrific depression, He wants me to experience it. The thing is, I can guarantee you I will always be understanding of someone’s depression. God has shown me that just reading about and going to classes (which I did) was not enough for me. I had gone through ”Stephen Ministry” classes at our church. It is an amazing program and the classes were fantastic. As a Stephen Minister, we are assigned a care receiver who is asking for someone to walk with them. I had 2 through this ministry. But since my transplant I have been able to truly walk with some people that God has simply just put in my path. I know God is choosing to use me in ways I might not understand, but He also has allowed me to go through some intense “classes” by experience, so I am able to reach those He feels I need to be available for . There really is nothing like human experience when learning how to truly relate to those in need. I can’t say I was able to crawl out of my hole right away. But I do know God had a hold of my hand and helped pull me up as He saw fit. I am so very thankful for that. So my strategy these days is to try to remember if it’s a sunny day or a rainy day, or perhaps both of those in the same day, as in the pictures below. God has been faithful so many times in my life. And God will always continue to be faithful. And when I find myself crawling back into my hole, I just need to search for Gods hand to pull me out!  😊To God be the glory!

Digging Holes...

  As I said in my last post, Florida was nice, but there is truly no place like home. The trip made me appreciate our home more than ever. The summer was pretty uneventful. Just the normal appointments and blood work. I even found myself push mowing the yard. And driving the tractor for the rest of the 5 acres here. I enjoyed feeling useful again. And I felt great physically. But I still struggled with my medicine demons. I do have to say,  that summer of 2016 I felt like I was making progress. Until October 2016. Because I was a hard person to match, the kidney I got was not a perfect match. There is a virus ( CMV) that most people are immune to. But not me. It’s something most people have had sometime in their lives,  but for some reason I avoided it. So, because my kidney donor had it previously and I had not, I was very susceptible to getting it.  It can be life threatening for a transplant recipient like me if not caught in time. By October I had almost forgotten about this risk. But one day I woke up and absolutely could not move. I had a severe headache and I immediately knew something was wrong. I called my transplant coordinator to see if she could put an order to test for CMV so I could go get bloodwork. She said, no. You come immediately up to Cleveland. We want to check and most likely put you in the hospital. So I went up to Cleveland and sure enough I had this virus. They immediately put me in the hospital and gave me an IV with the necessary medicines. I was in there for 5 days and was so thankful we caught it early enough. While I was in there I had a roommate that my heart just broke for. She had been in and out of the hospital for many many things. She had a transplant years ago. But then while in the hospital for an appendectomy about 3 years prior to this October, she developed sepsis. She would just moan and groan. She was in so much pain. Her husband said she had been in the hospital more than not in the last 3 years. I think it was a turning point for me in some ways, as I laid in my bed and listened to her in so much pain. I think when you go through something major like a transplant, it is easy to think you are the only one going through this. But in those 5 days I realized I certainly had nothing to complain about. Other than my side effects,  I was really in good health. And once I could recover from this virus, I would be going home in hopes of not returning for a long long time. I felt so sad for my roommate as I thought about her going home, knowing she would probably be back in the hospital very soon again. It gave me an entirely new perspective on my situation. I no longer felt sorry for myself that I had to go through this. I still struggle every day with my medicines. But, if I start to dig that hole for myself , I remember that lady and say a prayer for her and all of her struggles. God has a way of answering our prayers with very unusual circumstances. I had been praying, why did I have to go through this? Why did I have to take all these medicines for the rest of my life? Just digging myself in a deep deep hole. I believe that’s when God decided I needed to see first hand to realize I’m not the only one with issues, and choosing to help another person in pain will often help alleviate my own pain. It was not fun to be in the hospital so soon again, but it was a lesson well worth learning. I have no idea where my roommate is today, but I pray she found peace in some form. And I’m sure God has His hand over her, just as He has over me. To God be the glory 😊 The picture below is of my 9 yr old grandson. He loves to “mine” our dirt. I was asking if he was digging for gold. I expected yeah, I wanna be rich. But instead he said he was mining to help people. He was mining for coal to keep their houses warm. Not Mining for gold for himself! Now understand I don’t think he is totally unselfish by any means, he’s nine. But I had to think...

Instead of digging a hole so deep for us to climb in, why don’t we dig deep in our hearts to find something that could help someone else? It’s amazing how God can use that very simple act to  not only 

help that other person , but also us. 😊

What now?

When we returned from Florida I had such a mixture of feelings. I was happy I had gone. Thankful I had the opportunity to go. Scared that I might get sick in the next few weeks from unknowingly picking up a virus from someone. Glad to be home. Thankful for my family. Confused about where I was to go from here. What’s next? I had no plan for anything, except doctors appointments and bloodwork days. Was that going to be my life from now on? Doctor appointments. Bloodwork. At this point I remember thinking, while yes, I went to Florida, I don’t think anyone understood the stress I felt in between the moments of joy I spent with my family. I wondered if it was really worth it and more importantly if it would ever be worth it? Time did change that. I’m not trying to be all doom and gloom. But I’m also trying to be honest for those who may go through a transplant and have the same side affects of the meds as I have. Know that you are not alone and that I understand those feelings. I wish I would have had someone tell me that back then. I struggled so much while trying to be positive around people because I was so blessed to have received a kidney. And yes, I was grateful, but I still had this new demon to deal with. And that was something nobody but my transplant coordinator could understand. And she had never been there, so she only knew it could happen, but had never felt it herself. I think that’s what truly drove me to start writing. I know there are people who go through a transplant and never get any side effects from the medicines. But for those of you who are like me and have gotten EVERY side effect, I want you to know I understand. And please know, you are not the only one. Your feelings are real and justified. It doesn’t mean you are not grateful for that new kidney. It simply means you don’t know what to do with this new issue. So time passed and I pretty much only did go to doctor appointments and the lab for bloodwork. I didn’t have a lot of desire to go places because I didn’t want to have to deal with the after stress of wondering if I had exposed myself to an illness. It was much safer to just stay home. And people really do mean well when they ask you how you are doing and you try to be somewhat honest and say, “ my kidney is great but I’m dealing with so many side effects”. They would most often reply, “ I’m so glad you are doing well. You are so blessed to have gotten a new kidney!” I would just nod my head and say, yes I am. While on the inside I was screaming, why can’t they see the pain I am going through and quit talking about this wonderful new kidney? I had this horrible feeling like, did you not hear anything I said? I said I am struggling. I did not say I am doing great! With time I realized two things. First there are people who probably did hear my pain, but had no idea what to do with that, and the normal reaction is to be positive , to give hope. And the other people were just being polite in the first place to ask, but not ever really wanting to hear the true version, so they just were positive to hopefully be able to go on their way. I know I am truly guilty of both of these scenarios, probably more times than I realize. And it took me a while to be able to keep their responses in perspective and walk away with understanding instead of anger. At first my reaction was to not go anywhere so people wouldn’t ask me the dreaded question. Then I went places and only told the good part about my kidney doing well, so everyone else could feel good about my situation. Then I would go home and sometimes, just cry. This new life did not seem like it was for me. I’m sure some of you may be thinking I am horribly ungrateful. But I wasn’t. I was simply emotionally hurting. A lot. But then God knew I was hurting and he gave me two people.  I had my sister who is an angel and would always listen with much empathy. And I had a dear friend who not only listened, but understood having pain from her own circumstances and how it was easier to tell people you are doing great instead of telling the truth. These were my two angels. I think I would have possibly completely lost my mind without them. So, if there is anyone out there dealing with the same things I am, please know I understand. And I have a listening ear if you need it. God has shown me that listening ears are rare these days. People are busy. They want to know, and they most likely do care, but it is a human reaction to want to be around  positive people! So I tried to be that person on the outside. Those were trying times for me, knowing I had to put up a front so much of the time so people would still want to be around me. God blessed me with a husband who put up with me and I am grateful for that. So I’ve found having a couple people you can turn to when you need a human ear, is worth more than gold. And I think God has taught me through all this to be that person as much as I can. So today I am writing this for those of you who are emotionally hurting and don’t know what to do with it. Yes, we do need to give it to God. But I have found that sometimes I just needed a human ear. I needed to hear God through another person. And God has put it in my heart  to be that person for someone else that may need it.

God is good... all the time. All the time... God is good. But there are times when we need a person to understand us. And I am so thankful God gave me two of those special people. The pictures below are to give you hope. I have once again gotten my love for the beach back! To God be the Glory!!😊

Florida Here I Come????

Back in the beginning of 2015 we, as a family,  decided we wanted to rent a beach house and go to Florida for a week. I wasn’t seeing any real hope of a transplant happening in the near future, so we booked a place for the spring of 2016. It would be a good change of scenery for me and the beach is the best place for me to rest.  I was really looking forward to this... a lot. Spending a week on the beach with my husband, kids and grandkids? Heaven!! Well, then it happened. They found a kidney match in January of 2016 and I had to face the reality that this precious Florida trip might not be happening, at least not with me. I went over every little scenario in my mInd. Then I tried to convince the doctors it would be ok. As time passed, God gave me a gift. The transplant coordinator said I could go for a week. Just had to get my blood work before I go, and as soon as I got back. Plus there is a Mayo Clinic close to where we were, in case anything came up. I was so grateful. I hadn’t been out much to that point, so this just seemed amazing//scary! When it came right down to it, mostly scary. I fought to get the permission to go, then spent my days fretting about everything! What was I was going to eat?   Could I eat at a restaurant on the way down? Was I going to get to ever go out to eat at all with my family, or was I going to have to pack all my own meals? Also the transplant coordinator made it very clear I couldn’t be barefoot on the beach because of the bacteria in the sand. I could however, be in the ocean barefoot. Hmmm? That was going to be a magic trick in my mind! How do I get back from the ocean without getting sand on my feet? I tried water shoes. They just filled up with sand. So, suddenly going to the beach didn’t seem as fun as it used to be. Then also I had to wear a big hat to protect my head from the sun and use MUCH 50-100 SPF lotion because of the medicines I was on. I’ve always been dark complected and was pretty loose with SPF anything. I know, now, that was dumb,  but I never ever burnt until AFTER my transplant because I apparently didn’t put ENOUGH lotion on! Guess now I am also sympathetic to someone who gets burnt. I never felt that before! So that was a big change for me. My skin changed completely. Sounds like a silly little problem, but it was just frustrating to me, at a time when every little frustration became huge. So, I started to wonder if going on a trip was even worth it. Suddenly I went from so excited to complete panic mode. I almost didn't go. But, finally,  I mustered up enough courage to get things ready and leave Then God worked his miracles. We had booked this place a year in advance and it had a salt water pool. I had no idea at the time that we booked the house, that would be the only kind of pool I would be allowed to be in. So I did get to be in the pool with the kids. Which really helped. I also figured out if I wore my leather tennis shoes on the beach and into the ocean, not much sand got in them. And I could just wash my feet and my shoes as soon as I could. So I went in the ocean with the kids a couple times. I used to LOVE to go in the ocean and jump the waves. And I got to do that. I got to sit close to the water with the grandkids and laugh so hard when the ocean waves would come crashing at us. We would all scream, then wipe our faces and just laugh. I was able to walk the beach with them looking for shells. I just had to use lots of lotion and a big hat, which I almost lost from the wind many times. My oldest granddaughter, Riley and I had matching hats. She would wear it sometimes to make me feel better. However,  I was still paranoid about my eating and the cleanliness of everything! I have never been a germ freak. So this feeling was all foreign to me. Once again I learned another group of people to be understanding of. Those who can’t touch things for fear of germs. Never in a million years did I think that would be me!! But it was, at least for a few years. I’m much better now. But I have true empathy for those who have this very real feeling they just can’t shake. Another lesson God taught me through all of this. Be patient with those people who have very real fears. Overall,  I had a really amazing, blessing filled week. And I am so glad I got enough courage to go. But it was also a learning, humbling experience. I can honestly say God walked every step of it with me, as He always does. So what this experience showed me, was that sometimes I can find the courage to do things that may be scary, knowing God will walk with me and do His miracles! He is a true God of miracles... Him wanting us in His life is a miracle in itself. The creator of the universe wants to walk with ME! Wow! That was the best lesson I ever learned!  To God be the glory!!

So I survived, now what?

So, I survived my kidney biopsy. Now I was wondering what was next. I wondered what the doctors had planned for me. But more importantly, what did God have planned? I was quickly realizing, at this point, that most trials came with lessons. In one way that scared me. But it also gave me peace at the same time, if that’s possible. I thought, I really don’t want to go through anything else that would cause me pain, anxiety or really, anything hard! I was just done. But it also gave me peace because I was reminded that when I go through trials God is walking with me and that He has proven to me, time and time again, that in any trial of mine, He was in control. What is interesting is that I knew, that God knew, that I needed a break right then. Because while I was still anxious, depressed and pretty paranoid about everything, nothing extra was added to my plate for a little while. The doctors let me start coming in once a month after 4 months and I only had to do bloodwork every other week. This seemed like a vacation, not having to go to the doctors or the lab so often. It felt like progress. A feeling that was much much needed right then. And, of course, God was fully aware of that need. So I would say there was maybe one or two months when nothing dramatic really happened. I went to all my doctor appointments. I did all my bloodwork as they asked me to. I still struggled with my eating and anxiety etc. Then all of a sudden another major side affect of my medicines became worse. It was, and still is, something I struggle with every day. I started with horrible tremors. My right hand would at times just shake uncontrollably. This again is not something everyone gets, but I was blessed with another side affect. It is worse some days than others. But little things I never thought about before became a real challenge. Something as simple as getting food on a fork or spoon from the plate to my mouth. Or writing my name legibly. Things I never imagined I would have trouble doing. At least not at age 57. This caused my anxiety and depression to worsen. I remember the first time Marv took me to a restaurant where I was trying to put drink from the machine in my cup. I couldn’t hardly get it in the cup because of shaking so badly. This of course was embarrassing, but I’m thankful I was able to think about how funny this must look to others that I was able to laugh at myself! However, when I went to my general doctor, he wanted me to see a doctor who specializes in Parkinson’s disease. And this was the not so funny reality, my Dad had Parkinsons and one of my brothers currently has it. So, it seemed like a possibility. Not one I wanted to think about, but a reality  I couldn’t deny.  The problem is there is no definite test for this disease, and the side affects of my medicines are almost exactly the signs of Parkinson’s. So I prayed about it. I didn’t want to go to more doctors and through more tests when they really couldn’t definitively tell me if it was the disease or the side affects. And I certainly didn’t want to be put on more medicines because of a guess that it was the disease. After much anxiety and prayer, I felt a peace with assuming it is the side affects of my medicines. I don’t really know how to explain it other than I had peace that once again God’s got this. Just as He has before, many many times. And if it should end up being Parkinsons, God will also carry me through that as well. I think this was possibly the first real peace that I felt after my transplant, which was so interesting to me. Why, at the possibility of a life long, not fun, illness was I at peace? Because I was finally fully realizing that I was not in control, God was! And handing that control over to Him gave me immense peace. So in the midst of yet another thing to face, God reminded me of His incredible love for me. The question was, how many times would He have to keep reminding me?...

How Long Can This Go On?

     Three months after my transplant the doctor insisted on doing a kidney biopsy. They wanted to have a starting point of how my new kidney was functioning, so if I had issues,  they would have a base to refer to. I was extremely concerned about doing this. I’m not sure why, but it just didn’t sound like something I wanted to do! Putting a needle in and taking a small amount of my new kidney that was doing well seemed like a bad idea. I had worked myself up to the point I was so scared.  I didn’t want to  “poke the bear”. Marv had to work the day of my biopsy, so a dear friend of mine took me to the Cleveland clinic. It was supposed to be maybe a couple of hours. He would do the procedure and then a bit in recovery. Just local anesthesia. Well, two hours turned into an entire day. The procedure supposedly went well. But I got so sick. I was throwing up, and I had to pee before I left. And when I could pee, it hurt and there was a lot of blood. Way more than there should be. At that moment I felt like I had taken two HUGE steps back. This was actually harder for me than the surgery. I can’t remember when I was ever that sick. I knew they had their reason for doing this procedure. But it was kind of hard to understand what it was right then. I remember feeling, “ how long can this go on?”  I think it was potentially the longest day of my life. I finally peed enough they let me go home. But there was still blood in my urine. And being in my extremely paranoid stage yet about this whole kidney thing, I went home feeling horrible. Imagining they messed with my new kidney!! Why did they do that? Did they maybe hurt it somehow?  I was not very happy. It took me a few days to recover from that “ simple” procedure. This did not help my anxiety I was feeling from my meds. At that point I really felt my whole world had been turned upside down. And I was never going to be able to get my life back. What were they going to do to me next? I can’t say I had the best attitude at that time of my life. I tried to turn to God, but I was just feeling way too messed up to believe He hadn't just decided I was too over the edge to care about me anymore. It was like my heart knew better, but my body and my head kept telling me differently. It was an extremely trying time for me. Looking back, I now know God never left me or gave up on me. But He sat patiently, watching over me, making sure I was ultimately ok, while I figured out how to come back to Him. I wish I could say this is the only time in my life God had to be patient with me while I found the path back into His arms. But, it was not. As I think about how many times He has patiently watched over me, and let me make the choice to fully turn to Him, it makes me so grateful for the God we have. Then I thought about those words I muttered, “how long can this go on?”, I had to wonder how many times God has had to look at me and say, how long is this going to go on? How long until she fully believes that I am here. I haven’t left her. I am watching over her. It’s not Me (God) who needs to change. I always have been, still am, and always will be the same everlasting God. It is her that needs to have faith and believe that about me. That’s when it really hit me. I needed to look in the mirror and decide how I was going to change. And there have been other times since then in different situations that God has had to be patient with me. But I can say, deep in my heart, I know with confidence God will never leave me. He just gave us that free will to choose Him. Choose faith. Choose joy. It’s not always easy, but I’m working on it. And thank God He is committed to being in it with me for the long haul. He will never leave me.I was looking at this beautiful picture of a spider web my husband took, and I felt this is what my life must look like to God. I go back and forth in all different directions in this intricate life He has given me. But God is in the middle of my “web” holding it all together. And the world can come around and tear my “ web” down, but God is right there to help me build it up again. May I always remember this image. To God be the Glory! 😊

What constitutes a great day?

    So here I am feeling like a lab rat. Believing all these drugs in my system are going to kill me rather then save my life! What is a person supposed to do with that? I thought, this must be how a hamster in a cage feels. You just keep going around and around and you never get anywhere. Going from a busy, business owner to a blob was just more than I could fathom. How could this be my life now? Then my brother, Stan would show up with a case of Dasani water , which was the only one I felt comfortable drinking for quite awhile. Or my sister, Diane would stop and help me with my pills. Or my brother, Larry or my brother in law, Ron would show up with the special fudgesicles I loved.  Or my sister in laws. Janice, Mary and JoAnne would stop and talk and  help me figure out things. Or so many of my friends from church and elsewhere would stop by with a meal so I didn’t have to think about cooking. My kids would check on me as much as they could and well,  then there was God. God showed up many times in ways I didn’t even realize at the time. On a good day, when I sat and really thought about all the people who truly cared about me, I was so ashamed at how ungrateful I felt. But then perhaps the next day I couldn't feel that love again. It was definitely there, everybody did so much. It was never about what others were or weren’t doing for me. It was about how my brain was reacting to these high power drugs. And the fact that I couldn’t seem to control how I feel. I know that’s against what so many people will tell you. Exercise. Just go for a walk. Read. Find something to do to take your mind off of it. Like that would all magically make this messed up feeling go away. Often the only thing I could make myself do was sit and watch a movie so I didn’t have to think at all. When I read what I’m saying I even think, I was really messed up! But I also know I couldn’t help it either. It was a chemical imbalance, which is what full blown depressions often are. And no walk, no matter how long, was ever going to take that confusion away. I tried. Believe me. I even tried just saying I would do those things so people would think I was ok. But it didn't change the fact that I still felt numb. I couldn’t just magically say it was so and ta-da! I’m great again. No matter how much I wanted to be ok, I just couldn’t be the old me. I remember saying, it’s like I got a new personality with my new kidney. I was not anticipating that. Since I have been writing in FB and writing this blog, I have had various people reach out to me in different ways to tell me they also know what this feels like. Or to ask for prayer in their journey. And I feel God is  telling me to never minimize what people are going through. Because I also know, now, how it feels. I’m not writing this to make you feel sorry for what I went and continue to go through. I am simply writing to let others know that they are not alone in this and I understand. I have gotten medicine that helps with my medicine induced chemical imbalance ( which sounds so ironic) but there are still days I literally have to get up and CHOOSE joy. CHOOSE to be ok. And I know I am not alone. I am not glad there are others who have to go through this as well, but I am glad we can talk about it and help each other through it. This has become my new normal. I used to just be kind of care free and happy. I went from being outgoing and friendly to being a recluse. I still try not to take things too seriously. But I do struggle sometimes to find the bright sun in a cloudy day. So I am writing this to all of you who understand depression because you have been there. Not because you learned about it in a text book. But because you live it. I know we will all be just fine. How do I know this? Because God has shown me time and time again that if I just choose to be joyful, not because of my circumstances, but because of my faith in Him, that I can get through anything. May not always be easy, but He will walk through it with me if I just let Him! I think the hardest, but yet best part of the entire transplant was having to go through this. It made me rely on God instead of myself or those around me to make me happy. My joy can only come through my belief and faith in Him. I know this with all my heart. Do I still struggle? Yes I do... sometimes. But we all struggle sometimes with whatever pain is put in our path. The victory comes with how we choose to deal with it. Do we get down on ourselves because we can’t kick these horrible feelings? Do we become bitter because why should we have to go through this? Do we end up with hate in our hearts because we are so sensitive and someone can’t understand how I’m feeling? Or do we realize there is no way we can do this on our own. And we have to literally give it to God every day. Not just once and done. I know the only way I can deal with this anxiety in my life is to every morning give it to God. If I get too busy and don’t do this, I can count on having a struggle all day. So, why wouldn’t I just make sure I do this every morning? Well, I try to. But I’m human and sometimes I just mess up. But at least I try. And I think God is pleased that I am doing my best. He, above anyone else, understands.  And I know that depression because of loss can be even different to deal with and I don’t want to minimize this depression from grief. But I also know that God can understand any of our hurts. So, what constitutes a great day?  Whether you give that day to God.
Till next time... To God be the Glory!

What is happening to my emotions?

Have you ever felt like someone put you in a washing machine and you are being tossed about? You are tumbling around, understanding you are being “cleaned”, but feeling so confused, not knowing which end is up in the process? I think that is how I felt when I got home from the hospital after my transplant. My emotions went from excitement of going home, to oh my, what just happened? I remember walking through the door at home and going from  oh good ... I’m home, to, oh no, I’m home! As I said before, leaving the hospital was such an up and down feeling for me. I really wanted to get out, but once I had my freedom, I also realized I had no nurses to make sure everything was ok. No one to make sure I was taking my pills correctly. What if I suddenly started rejecting my kidney? Would I be smart enough to recognize it in time? I remember after having our first child I went through a bit of the same thing. Coming home and there were no more nurses there to help when she cried. Marv and I were responsible for this little human who invaded our existence. But with that also came so much love that my motherly instincts kicked in. And while I was grateful for this kidney, I think I was struggling finding love for this new thing that had invaded my existence. I think it was different for me than some others. I was close to dialysis, but got a transplant right before I had to start it  That was what I prayed for, I was afraid of dialysis. And God answered my prayers. But because of that, I had not yet experienced that full blown change in my life. I was just simply tired all the time. I didn’t have to totally change my diet etc. so after my transplant, I went through the feelings of, is this really better? I felt my whole life had been put in that washing machine and moved from the delicate setting to “bulky”! And to complicate things when we were at the hospital Marv picked up something. A day or so after we got home, he got extremely sick and was not in any kind of shape to take care of me. Not to mention feeling like I needed him to leave because I wasn’t supposed to be around anyone sick. How was this going to work? My mind was so overwhelmed, I just wanted to sit down and have a good cry. And I did. With the help of my family, I started to feel like I could put my big girl pants on and do what it took. At least for that day. Marv was quarantined to the upstairs of our house, except our bedroom. He was not allowed in there because I had to sleep there. He was moved to the guest room. I carried a bottle of Lysol with me, spraying it as I went to squash my fears of getting sick. They had drilled into me that if I got sick, depending what it was, I might have to go off my anti rejection drugs so my body could fight the sickness off. Which in turn means I am at risk of losing my kidney. So, I went from feeling this incredible desire to help Marv feel better, to ... really, you got sick NOW? Trust me, he felt bad and wanted to help me, but I was too genuinely frightened to have him around me. So I not only couldn't go anywhere, and only see a very few select people, but now I was kind of on my own. The worst part, I was on my own with emotions like a roller coaster. I truly couldn’t comprehend what was happening to my life. This was a combination of having my body go through a big physical change and all the medicine I was taking. Which, little did I know, was going to get worse before it got any better. The first four months after my transplant were extremely challenging for my mental health. Not everyone reacts like I do to the medicines I am on, but I have gotten literally every side effect possible. And I am on four medicines that have a side effect of depression and anxiety!  Like I said, some struggle with the physical aspects of a transplant, but for me this horrible depression and anxiety was almost too much to handle. I never knew how messed up you can get from medicines that throw off the chemical balance in your brain. Things that 5 years before would have been no big deal, all of a sudden are so overwhelming that I just didn’t want to do anything. I think I made a permanent imprint in my couch during that time. I went from a person who loved being around people to someone who would have rather just been by myself. I was used to photographing a wedding and walking up to people and talking to them all the time. And my job was literally talking to people to make them feel comfortable having their pictures taken. But that thought now petrified me. I truly just wanted someone to reach out and make me feel comfortable so I could live! There were so many friends, church people and family that tried to reach out with meals, phone calls quick visits from a distance, but truthfully I had such a wall up I couldn’t even fully appreciate all of it at the time. So, at this amazing point in life when I wanted so badly to feel excited  that I got a kidney, I was in such a depression, I hate to say I couldn’t even be grateful at that time. Now, I still battle depression, anxiety and tremors. But God has walked with me in so many ways that I can’t help but look back and now, be so very grateful for my kidney and for all those around me did to help carry me. Part of me says I need to apologize for feeling that way. But I know God was showing me another avenue of empathy and understanding that I can feel for those who battle depression and anxiety all the time. I would never been able to have this understanding if I had not gone through this myself. I am currently talking to the doctors about changing meds to see if there might be one that I won’t get these side effects. They are hesitantly willing to try it, but there is a risk my kidney might be rejected. And I also have to start all over again going to get bloodwork 3 times a week.  Im just not sure I’m ready for that risk and hassle with no guarantee right now. God has taught me much Through all of this and that is where I find peace. Knowing God is walking with me and never let’s go.

   Next time I will continue my journey.... until then to God be the glory!