A Light through the Clouds...”

Sometimes we go through life waiting for someone to make it easier on us. Someone who could just swoop us up and show us how we could ride to the end of our lives on a breeze. Not very realistic. But I have found times I wish I could find that one person. The one who would just take all my problems and blow them away and say, no worries my dear. I’ll take care of you. It’s amazing how I searched for that after my transplant. The way the meds affected me made me want someone who could do that exact ridiculous thing for me. Well, yes it is unrealistic to think someone will just show up through your front door someday to take away all your problems. And I knew that. So I struggled. I let the anxiety and depression get me down. It seemed as though  I let it take over my entire life. I found myself dwelling in the fact that I was too anxious to do anything. Too depressed to care. Rather than being grateful my eyes opened to see another morning. or another incredible sunset. I know I missed so much during that time in my life because I was waiting for “my“ person to come save me. I was actually praying for that one person to just take care of me because I was simply tired. There were many other things going on in our lives at the same time that added a complete new set of anxiety and depression. There were days I just felt like I was a robot. Going through the motions that I knew I had to do until I could go to sleep. But then God was sure to give me another slap in the face. It was as if He said to me one day, why are you still searching for that person to carry all your burdens? Someone to simply take care of you. To ease your mind and lead you on your journey. Marv is a great husband, but we were both going through a lot at that time and it was unfair of me to expect him to do all that for me. Although he certainly did try. One day I heard this song on The Message on Sirius XM. It was by Lauren Daigle and it is called “ Look Up Child”. It hit me that God was truly begging to help me. All I needed to do, was Look Up!  As I listened to the words of that song, I realized that there is a person who can ease my mind. Who can put all my burdens on His shoulders. Who can lead me through the Holy Spirit in the ways I should go. I think this is when things began to change for me. When I realized how desperately God wanted to be that one who would always be there for me. And I , once again said to God, please forgive me for looking to everyone but You. Why did I do this time and time again? Why does God  have to keep reminding me? I think it was simply because at that time of my life I was truly overwhelmed by the massive amounts of “not normal” things I was having to deal with. Relational things. Financial things. Health things. Mental anxiety things. They just kept piling up. And what I want to say to you, is if you are dealing with these same overwhelming feelings, look up child. Gods shoulders are huge. His grace is enormous. His love is even greater still. And He will take all that heaviness on your shoulders and on your heart and just blow it all away if you give it to Him. This is something I still have to be reminded of at times. But overall, I think I have learned to trust God with His plans. Because I can’t think of one time in my life that His plan was not better than mine. What a freeing thing. To be able to pray and see the light in the clouds. It’s as though He reaches down and beams up all my problems through the light, up to Him. And they are no longer so heavy on my heart. What an amazing God we have. He not only gave us bodies that are fearfully and wonderfully made, that can go through tough surgeries and come out the other side physically better. But He cares so much about us always, that He wants to hear our concerns and our burdens so He can relieve our anxiety.  To God be the glory! 😊

A Grateful Heart...

I was always brought up to be thankful for things that were given to me. To always have a grateful heart. And I did have a very grateful heart when I received my new kidney. But is it possible to have a grateful heart and a struggling mind? I know I was and am very thankful for all that has been given me, but some days I just so want to go back to my Pre- transplant days of no medicines. Days when I felt like a normal person. Not the person who seems to be defined by having had a kidney transplant.
Could I possibly look good, just because its me? Or is it that I look good for having a transplant? Sounds like a crazy question, but one that I often thought about? How would I look if I hadn’t had a transplant? How would I look if I had never had kidney disease? What if I was able to go through life and just be “ normal”? Would I be happier? Would I be more self absorbed? Would I have spent more time trying to look beautiful if I hadn’t had this reality check thrown at me? I hope I wouldn’t have done that, but I come from a line of women who like to dress nicely and try to look as good as I can. It’s actually hard for me to throw on jeans and T shirt. I would much rather slip on a dress in the summer. It’s so much more comfortable than pants or capris. And I’m past wearing any real shorts. Lol. So in my mind... dress it is. But then I venture out and feel too overdressed , when in reality I am way more comfortable than most. I wondered if I would have still put on the weight that I did? Would I be enjoying life more or less? Would I have found time for my grandkids or would I have just kept on working at our business 60-70 hours a week? I don’t have answers to those questions. But I do know that dwelling on them will not make any difference. I am where I am and I believe I am here for a reason I can’t fully understand. I know I have gone through this traumatic thing for a reason. For someone other than myself. To help me grow. To help me be better. And for that my heart can be truly grateful. I try every day to find a reason God may still want me on this earth. Does Marv need me? Do my kids need me? Do my grandkids need me? Does my sister need me? Is there someone else out there that needs me? Again, I have no answers. Only guesses as to why I am where I am and existing how I am. With flaws. With shaky feelings. With wrinkles. With more weight than I like to carry around. With not enough energy or great days to change that. But every day I  keep trying. Trying to be a little better than before. To be a little wiser than before. I am my mother’s daughter and will always want to care what I look like, but I have learned that the outside beauty is not half as important as the inside. So, I am a work in progress, as we all are. But I believe God leads me every day to see how I can improve and be more useful to him. I believe He opens my eyes just a little more every day to see those around me who are hurting. I love the song “Give me Your Eyes“. It’s about God giving us His eyes so we can see the hurt around us like He sees it. I want to have those eyes. And I think going through this transplant has helped me be more that way. So, on days I find myself struggling to be thankful, I remember that God has a plan. A plan for my life, for your life, if we just be open to His leading. And that’s how I get through some days... not by looking at my own circumstances, but rather of those around me and how I can reach out to them. To God be the glory! 😊🙏

God, give me your eyes! 🙏

Fireworks and Sunsets...

Fireworks. A word usually associated with Independence Day. A word that is correlated with celebration and fun. Gatherings of friends and family. Cookouts...Hotdogs, Hamburgers. Summer and gratefulness for our many freedoms. In some ways, July 4, 2017, was a celebration of life for me. A new kidney that I had successfully kept for over a year, which meant I would have another day to be alive and enjoy my freedoms. I could celebrate the independence a new kidney gave me... no dialysis to be afraid of, at least for now. That was a huge freedom to me. But at this point in life, while my heart was grateful, my head was having its own little fireworks display. There were days, and still are days, that I feel as though there are fireworks going off inside me. The trembling in my hands became more intense the longer I took my medicines. It was starting to feel as though it was coming from deep inside me. A feeling of shaking From your core is a very hard feeling to describe. But that trembling and shakiness was leading to more and more anxiety. Which really infringed on my freedoms.. at least in my head. The thought of celebrating and being grateful for all my freedoms completely overwhelmed me. Our family has never been one to have huge cookouts and get togethers for the 4th. We usually kept it simple and we all knew it was an important day to be grateful. But I'm sure we couldn’t comprehend it to the extent of someone who had family members who fought in wars to defend us and died. For those who lost someone in service, their understanding of this day takes on a completely different level of appreciation and even sorrow. I thought to myself what a mixed up feeling these people left behind must have. Grateful for their freedoms. Sad that they had to lose someone in order to have them. Something I could never understand because I had never lived it. I think this helped me see why others who had not experienced a kidney transplant with the side effects I was having, could not really understand what I was feeling. It is very hard to put into words. The best way I can say it is sad gratitude... if that makes any sense at all. Grateful for my life, but mourning so many things that I used to enjoy. Things that were suddenly too hard to comprehend doing. Too hard to have fun. And too exhausting to fake my feelings about how I truly felt when other people were around. Life simply put, became daunting. I so wanted for someone to understand these crazy feelings I was having. The guilt I felt because I couldn’t be ecstatic about my new kidney. All the while people saying to me what an inspiration I was to them. I was handling everything I had gone through so well. And honestly I feel as though I did have my moments when I could have been an inspiration. But it was exhausting to be that person. I wanted to be someone others could look at and say, I want to be like her. And I had full intentions of being that person. But the reality was, I almost resented people who expected me to be positive all the time. I soon realized some people only want to be around inspirational people. And that’s fine. I get that. But what about those people who are struggling and don’t have the energy to be positive all the time? What do they do with their thoughts? I Have really felt led to address how they feel. If you are struggling and don’t have the energy to be upbeat all the time. It’s ok. There’s a song I love. It’s called, “Maybe it’s ok”. The meaning of the song is maybe it’s ok not to be ok. And I think that’s true sometimes. Everyone handles situations differently. And even those who seem to be an inspiration will sometimes not feel like being that way. The trick is finding a safe place where you are not the one being the inspiration,  but having someone who is willing to lift you up. So you might be asking why my title is fireworks and sunsets. The sunsets come in when I sit on my porch and quiet my soul and keep still. God let’s me know He is in control... and suddenly the world seems right again. It is a choice everyday to look for the sunsets.

Photos by Brooke Troyer. 😊

“ There is always hope...”

So one year down. I was glad to be that far along. But I still had so many anxieties and concerns about eating. I felt as though they were pushing me to eat more processed food because that wouldn’t have the bacteria that could be in fresh foods. ( which made no sense to me, but I did it.)  So I had been doing a lot of that for a year. And my weight just kept going up and up. By this time I had probably gained a good 25 pds. I felt miserable. But I still was struggling with eating other things. So I just continued. I started doing a few more things to try to get out. My shakiness from the meds had not fully taken over at this point yet, but enough it was extremely annoying. I think these first two years were just a constant trial for me. Nothing specific, I just was not feeling like me. When I write things like this I’m not trying to be a downer. I’m not seriously depressed right now. I’m simply telling the truth. I’m not sugar coating things to make it seem as though everything was great. Because it certainly wasn’t. But at the time I tried my best to not be a complete disaster around other people. Which is a trial in itself. There were a few people I knew I could tell how it really was. But beyond that I kept it all in. Mostly because I felt if I started telling just anyone, I would totally just start telling everyone. And that’s never a good idea. But beyond my weight gain and my continued depression,, I have to say I ventured out more that year. And when I did, one day God sent me someone to help me. I was talking to someone who’s husband had a kidney transplant and she told me it was a good 2 years for him until he felt “normal” again. I can’t even emphasize how much that helped me. It gave me hope for the future. And she was right. It was about 2-2 1/2 years until I felt at all normal. At least my new normal. I think the reason I’m saying this is so if anyone out there is struggling with this part of a kidney journey, you are not alone. There is hope. And I’ve found so many times God truly knew exactly when I needed those amazing rays of hope. He is an amazing God and His timing is perfect. So, year two started out feeling miserable because of the weight gain. Still struggling with anxiety. But filled with hope for the future!  There is always hope because God is good. 😊 To God be the glory! ❤️

Coming out of the “holes”...

   We all need to find our way when things change in our lives. However, I was feeling like my GPS was no longer working. I just couldn’t seem to get going in the right direction. After my 5 day stint in the hospital, I struggled to find purpose. I was able to go on with the lesson I learned, that it is better to help someone than to dig a hole for myself. But finding purpose? If I am honest, I pretty much still have trouble finding my purpose. Some days are harder than others. But I have found If I reach out instead of thinking of myself , that is also a wonderful purpose to have. I believe God was not only trying to show me a lesson about helping others. He was also letting me know that my purpose is not gone at all. Reaching out to people with a listening ear. Praying for people when they feel broken or discouraged or scared, is an amazing purpose. I have to be honest and say I had some tough times the first two years after my transplant. But God has always brought me through. Every time I begin to struggle, it is nice to have those memories of how God carried me through rough times before to remind me of Gods faithfulness. Moving forward to January 2017. Where do I go now? It’s been a year already since my transplant. How do I get out of my “ hole”? Anyone who has struggled with anxiety or depression knows exactly what I mean. It can be as if you know things that need to be done, but no idea how you could ever accomplish those things! I mean really, can anyone expect to get 2 things done in 1 day? That’s how bad a lot of days were and still are sometimes for me. Wow. I used to do so many things in one day! I basically never stopped. But things were still different for me a year after surgery. And they honestly still are. I know I wasn’t expecting any of this. I can’t emphasize enough how I thought, along with everyone else, that once I got my new kidney, life would be grand. And for some that is the case and I am so glad it is. But for me, I think I had and still have some things worth learning. And for whatever reason God wants me to not only read about how to help people with this horrific depression, He wants me to experience it. The thing is, I can guarantee you I will always be understanding of someone’s depression. God has shown me that just reading about and going to classes (which I did) was not enough for me. I had gone through ”Stephen Ministry” classes at our church. It is an amazing program and the classes were fantastic. As a Stephen Minister, we are assigned a care receiver who is asking for someone to walk with them. I had 2 through this ministry. But since my transplant I have been able to truly walk with some people that God has simply just put in my path. I know God is choosing to use me in ways I might not understand, but He also has allowed me to go through some intense “classes” by experience, so I am able to reach those He feels I need to be available for . There really is nothing like human experience when learning how to truly relate to those in need. I can’t say I was able to crawl out of my hole right away. But I do know God had a hold of my hand and helped pull me up as He saw fit. I am so very thankful for that. So my strategy these days is to try to remember if it’s a sunny day or a rainy day, or perhaps both of those in the same day, as in the pictures below. God has been faithful so many times in my life. And God will always continue to be faithful. And when I find myself crawling back into my hole, I just need to search for Gods hand to pull me out!  😊To God be the glory!

Digging Holes...

  As I said in my last post, Florida was nice, but there is truly no place like home. The trip made me appreciate our home more than ever. The summer was pretty uneventful. Just the normal appointments and blood work. I even found myself push mowing the yard. And driving the tractor for the rest of the 5 acres here. I enjoyed feeling useful again. And I felt great physically. But I still struggled with my medicine demons. I do have to say,  that summer of 2016 I felt like I was making progress. Until October 2016. Because I was a hard person to match, the kidney I got was not a perfect match. There is a virus ( CMV) that most people are immune to. But not me. It’s something most people have had sometime in their lives,  but for some reason I avoided it. So, because my kidney donor had it previously and I had not, I was very susceptible to getting it.  It can be life threatening for a transplant recipient like me if not caught in time. By October I had almost forgotten about this risk. But one day I woke up and absolutely could not move. I had a severe headache and I immediately knew something was wrong. I called my transplant coordinator to see if she could put an order to test for CMV so I could go get bloodwork. She said, no. You come immediately up to Cleveland. We want to check and most likely put you in the hospital. So I went up to Cleveland and sure enough I had this virus. They immediately put me in the hospital and gave me an IV with the necessary medicines. I was in there for 5 days and was so thankful we caught it early enough. While I was in there I had a roommate that my heart just broke for. She had been in and out of the hospital for many many things. She had a transplant years ago. But then while in the hospital for an appendectomy about 3 years prior to this October, she developed sepsis. She would just moan and groan. She was in so much pain. Her husband said she had been in the hospital more than not in the last 3 years. I think it was a turning point for me in some ways, as I laid in my bed and listened to her in so much pain. I think when you go through something major like a transplant, it is easy to think you are the only one going through this. But in those 5 days I realized I certainly had nothing to complain about. Other than my side effects,  I was really in good health. And once I could recover from this virus, I would be going home in hopes of not returning for a long long time. I felt so sad for my roommate as I thought about her going home, knowing she would probably be back in the hospital very soon again. It gave me an entirely new perspective on my situation. I no longer felt sorry for myself that I had to go through this. I still struggle every day with my medicines. But, if I start to dig that hole for myself , I remember that lady and say a prayer for her and all of her struggles. God has a way of answering our prayers with very unusual circumstances. I had been praying, why did I have to go through this? Why did I have to take all these medicines for the rest of my life? Just digging myself in a deep deep hole. I believe that’s when God decided I needed to see first hand to realize I’m not the only one with issues, and choosing to help another person in pain will often help alleviate my own pain. It was not fun to be in the hospital so soon again, but it was a lesson well worth learning. I have no idea where my roommate is today, but I pray she found peace in some form. And I’m sure God has His hand over her, just as He has over me. To God be the glory 😊 The picture below is of my 9 yr old grandson. He loves to “mine” our dirt. I was asking if he was digging for gold. I expected yeah, I wanna be rich. But instead he said he was mining to help people. He was mining for coal to keep their houses warm. Not Mining for gold for himself! Now understand I don’t think he is totally unselfish by any means, he’s nine. But I had to think...

Instead of digging a hole so deep for us to climb in, why don’t we dig deep in our hearts to find something that could help someone else? It’s amazing how God can use that very simple act to  not only 

help that other person , but also us. 😊

What now?

When we returned from Florida I had such a mixture of feelings. I was happy I had gone. Thankful I had the opportunity to go. Scared that I might get sick in the next few weeks from unknowingly picking up a virus from someone. Glad to be home. Thankful for my family. Confused about where I was to go from here. What’s next? I had no plan for anything, except doctors appointments and bloodwork days. Was that going to be my life from now on? Doctor appointments. Bloodwork. At this point I remember thinking, while yes, I went to Florida, I don’t think anyone understood the stress I felt in between the moments of joy I spent with my family. I wondered if it was really worth it and more importantly if it would ever be worth it? Time did change that. I’m not trying to be all doom and gloom. But I’m also trying to be honest for those who may go through a transplant and have the same side affects of the meds as I have. Know that you are not alone and that I understand those feelings. I wish I would have had someone tell me that back then. I struggled so much while trying to be positive around people because I was so blessed to have received a kidney. And yes, I was grateful, but I still had this new demon to deal with. And that was something nobody but my transplant coordinator could understand. And she had never been there, so she only knew it could happen, but had never felt it herself. I think that’s what truly drove me to start writing. I know there are people who go through a transplant and never get any side effects from the medicines. But for those of you who are like me and have gotten EVERY side effect, I want you to know I understand. And please know, you are not the only one. Your feelings are real and justified. It doesn’t mean you are not grateful for that new kidney. It simply means you don’t know what to do with this new issue. So time passed and I pretty much only did go to doctor appointments and the lab for bloodwork. I didn’t have a lot of desire to go places because I didn’t want to have to deal with the after stress of wondering if I had exposed myself to an illness. It was much safer to just stay home. And people really do mean well when they ask you how you are doing and you try to be somewhat honest and say, “ my kidney is great but I’m dealing with so many side effects”. They would most often reply, “ I’m so glad you are doing well. You are so blessed to have gotten a new kidney!” I would just nod my head and say, yes I am. While on the inside I was screaming, why can’t they see the pain I am going through and quit talking about this wonderful new kidney? I had this horrible feeling like, did you not hear anything I said? I said I am struggling. I did not say I am doing great! With time I realized two things. First there are people who probably did hear my pain, but had no idea what to do with that, and the normal reaction is to be positive , to give hope. And the other people were just being polite in the first place to ask, but not ever really wanting to hear the true version, so they just were positive to hopefully be able to go on their way. I know I am truly guilty of both of these scenarios, probably more times than I realize. And it took me a while to be able to keep their responses in perspective and walk away with understanding instead of anger. At first my reaction was to not go anywhere so people wouldn’t ask me the dreaded question. Then I went places and only told the good part about my kidney doing well, so everyone else could feel good about my situation. Then I would go home and sometimes, just cry. This new life did not seem like it was for me. I’m sure some of you may be thinking I am horribly ungrateful. But I wasn’t. I was simply emotionally hurting. A lot. But then God knew I was hurting and he gave me two people.  I had my sister who is an angel and would always listen with much empathy. And I had a dear friend who not only listened, but understood having pain from her own circumstances and how it was easier to tell people you are doing great instead of telling the truth. These were my two angels. I think I would have possibly completely lost my mind without them. So, if there is anyone out there dealing with the same things I am, please know I understand. And I have a listening ear if you need it. God has shown me that listening ears are rare these days. People are busy. They want to know, and they most likely do care, but it is a human reaction to want to be around  positive people! So I tried to be that person on the outside. Those were trying times for me, knowing I had to put up a front so much of the time so people would still want to be around me. God blessed me with a husband who put up with me and I am grateful for that. So I’ve found having a couple people you can turn to when you need a human ear, is worth more than gold. And I think God has taught me through all this to be that person as much as I can. So today I am writing this for those of you who are emotionally hurting and don’t know what to do with it. Yes, we do need to give it to God. But I have found that sometimes I just needed a human ear. I needed to hear God through another person. And God has put it in my heart  to be that person for someone else that may need it.

God is good... all the time. All the time... God is good. But there are times when we need a person to understand us. And I am so thankful God gave me two of those special people. The pictures below are to give you hope. I have once again gotten my love for the beach back! To God be the Glory!!😊

Florida Here I Come????

Back in the beginning of 2015 we, as a family,  decided we wanted to rent a beach house and go to Florida for a week. I wasn’t seeing any real hope of a transplant happening in the near future, so we booked a place for the spring of 2016. It would be a good change of scenery for me and the beach is the best place for me to rest.  I was really looking forward to this... a lot. Spending a week on the beach with my husband, kids and grandkids? Heaven!! Well, then it happened. They found a kidney match in January of 2016 and I had to face the reality that this precious Florida trip might not be happening, at least not with me. I went over every little scenario in my mInd. Then I tried to convince the doctors it would be ok. As time passed, God gave me a gift. The transplant coordinator said I could go for a week. Just had to get my blood work before I go, and as soon as I got back. Plus there is a Mayo Clinic close to where we were, in case anything came up. I was so grateful. I hadn’t been out much to that point, so this just seemed amazing//scary! When it came right down to it, mostly scary. I fought to get the permission to go, then spent my days fretting about everything! What was I was going to eat?   Could I eat at a restaurant on the way down? Was I going to get to ever go out to eat at all with my family, or was I going to have to pack all my own meals? Also the transplant coordinator made it very clear I couldn’t be barefoot on the beach because of the bacteria in the sand. I could however, be in the ocean barefoot. Hmmm? That was going to be a magic trick in my mind! How do I get back from the ocean without getting sand on my feet? I tried water shoes. They just filled up with sand. So, suddenly going to the beach didn’t seem as fun as it used to be. Then also I had to wear a big hat to protect my head from the sun and use MUCH 50-100 SPF lotion because of the medicines I was on. I’ve always been dark complected and was pretty loose with SPF anything. I know, now, that was dumb,  but I never ever burnt until AFTER my transplant because I apparently didn’t put ENOUGH lotion on! Guess now I am also sympathetic to someone who gets burnt. I never felt that before! So that was a big change for me. My skin changed completely. Sounds like a silly little problem, but it was just frustrating to me, at a time when every little frustration became huge. So, I started to wonder if going on a trip was even worth it. Suddenly I went from so excited to complete panic mode. I almost didn't go. But, finally,  I mustered up enough courage to get things ready and leave Then God worked his miracles. We had booked this place a year in advance and it had a salt water pool. I had no idea at the time that we booked the house, that would be the only kind of pool I would be allowed to be in. So I did get to be in the pool with the kids. Which really helped. I also figured out if I wore my leather tennis shoes on the beach and into the ocean, not much sand got in them. And I could just wash my feet and my shoes as soon as I could. So I went in the ocean with the kids a couple times. I used to LOVE to go in the ocean and jump the waves. And I got to do that. I got to sit close to the water with the grandkids and laugh so hard when the ocean waves would come crashing at us. We would all scream, then wipe our faces and just laugh. I was able to walk the beach with them looking for shells. I just had to use lots of lotion and a big hat, which I almost lost from the wind many times. My oldest granddaughter, Riley and I had matching hats. She would wear it sometimes to make me feel better. However,  I was still paranoid about my eating and the cleanliness of everything! I have never been a germ freak. So this feeling was all foreign to me. Once again I learned another group of people to be understanding of. Those who can’t touch things for fear of germs. Never in a million years did I think that would be me!! But it was, at least for a few years. I’m much better now. But I have true empathy for those who have this very real feeling they just can’t shake. Another lesson God taught me through all of this. Be patient with those people who have very real fears. Overall,  I had a really amazing, blessing filled week. And I am so glad I got enough courage to go. But it was also a learning, humbling experience. I can honestly say God walked every step of it with me, as He always does. So what this experience showed me, was that sometimes I can find the courage to do things that may be scary, knowing God will walk with me and do His miracles! He is a true God of miracles... Him wanting us in His life is a miracle in itself. The creator of the universe wants to walk with ME! Wow! That was the best lesson I ever learned!  To God be the glory!!

So I survived, now what?

So, I survived my kidney biopsy. Now I was wondering what was next. I wondered what the doctors had planned for me. But more importantly, what did God have planned? I was quickly realizing, at this point, that most trials came with lessons. In one way that scared me. But it also gave me peace at the same time, if that’s possible. I thought, I really don’t want to go through anything else that would cause me pain, anxiety or really, anything hard! I was just done. But it also gave me peace because I was reminded that when I go through trials God is walking with me and that He has proven to me, time and time again, that in any trial of mine, He was in control. What is interesting is that I knew, that God knew, that I needed a break right then. Because while I was still anxious, depressed and pretty paranoid about everything, nothing extra was added to my plate for a little while. The doctors let me start coming in once a month after 4 months and I only had to do bloodwork every other week. This seemed like a vacation, not having to go to the doctors or the lab so often. It felt like progress. A feeling that was much much needed right then. And, of course, God was fully aware of that need. So I would say there was maybe one or two months when nothing dramatic really happened. I went to all my doctor appointments. I did all my bloodwork as they asked me to. I still struggled with my eating and anxiety etc. Then all of a sudden another major side affect of my medicines became worse. It was, and still is, something I struggle with every day. I started with horrible tremors. My right hand would at times just shake uncontrollably. This again is not something everyone gets, but I was blessed with another side affect. It is worse some days than others. But little things I never thought about before became a real challenge. Something as simple as getting food on a fork or spoon from the plate to my mouth. Or writing my name legibly. Things I never imagined I would have trouble doing. At least not at age 57. This caused my anxiety and depression to worsen. I remember the first time Marv took me to a restaurant where I was trying to put drink from the machine in my cup. I couldn’t hardly get it in the cup because of shaking so badly. This of course was embarrassing, but I’m thankful I was able to think about how funny this must look to others that I was able to laugh at myself! However, when I went to my general doctor, he wanted me to see a doctor who specializes in Parkinson’s disease. And this was the not so funny reality, my Dad had Parkinsons and one of my brothers currently has it. So, it seemed like a possibility. Not one I wanted to think about, but a reality  I couldn’t deny.  The problem is there is no definite test for this disease, and the side affects of my medicines are almost exactly the signs of Parkinson’s. So I prayed about it. I didn’t want to go to more doctors and through more tests when they really couldn’t definitively tell me if it was the disease or the side affects. And I certainly didn’t want to be put on more medicines because of a guess that it was the disease. After much anxiety and prayer, I felt a peace with assuming it is the side affects of my medicines. I don’t really know how to explain it other than I had peace that once again God’s got this. Just as He has before, many many times. And if it should end up being Parkinsons, God will also carry me through that as well. I think this was possibly the first real peace that I felt after my transplant, which was so interesting to me. Why, at the possibility of a life long, not fun, illness was I at peace? Because I was finally fully realizing that I was not in control, God was! And handing that control over to Him gave me immense peace. So in the midst of yet another thing to face, God reminded me of His incredible love for me. The question was, how many times would He have to keep reminding me?...

How Long Can This Go On?

     Three months after my transplant the doctor insisted on doing a kidney biopsy. They wanted to have a starting point of how my new kidney was functioning, so if I had issues,  they would have a base to refer to. I was extremely concerned about doing this. I’m not sure why, but it just didn’t sound like something I wanted to do! Putting a needle in and taking a small amount of my new kidney that was doing well seemed like a bad idea. I had worked myself up to the point I was so scared.  I didn’t want to  “poke the bear”. Marv had to work the day of my biopsy, so a dear friend of mine took me to the Cleveland clinic. It was supposed to be maybe a couple of hours. He would do the procedure and then a bit in recovery. Just local anesthesia. Well, two hours turned into an entire day. The procedure supposedly went well. But I got so sick. I was throwing up, and I had to pee before I left. And when I could pee, it hurt and there was a lot of blood. Way more than there should be. At that moment I felt like I had taken two HUGE steps back. This was actually harder for me than the surgery. I can’t remember when I was ever that sick. I knew they had their reason for doing this procedure. But it was kind of hard to understand what it was right then. I remember feeling, “ how long can this go on?”  I think it was potentially the longest day of my life. I finally peed enough they let me go home. But there was still blood in my urine. And being in my extremely paranoid stage yet about this whole kidney thing, I went home feeling horrible. Imagining they messed with my new kidney!! Why did they do that? Did they maybe hurt it somehow?  I was not very happy. It took me a few days to recover from that “ simple” procedure. This did not help my anxiety I was feeling from my meds. At that point I really felt my whole world had been turned upside down. And I was never going to be able to get my life back. What were they going to do to me next? I can’t say I had the best attitude at that time of my life. I tried to turn to God, but I was just feeling way too messed up to believe He hadn't just decided I was too over the edge to care about me anymore. It was like my heart knew better, but my body and my head kept telling me differently. It was an extremely trying time for me. Looking back, I now know God never left me or gave up on me. But He sat patiently, watching over me, making sure I was ultimately ok, while I figured out how to come back to Him. I wish I could say this is the only time in my life God had to be patient with me while I found the path back into His arms. But, it was not. As I think about how many times He has patiently watched over me, and let me make the choice to fully turn to Him, it makes me so grateful for the God we have. Then I thought about those words I muttered, “how long can this go on?”, I had to wonder how many times God has had to look at me and say, how long is this going to go on? How long until she fully believes that I am here. I haven’t left her. I am watching over her. It’s not Me (God) who needs to change. I always have been, still am, and always will be the same everlasting God. It is her that needs to have faith and believe that about me. That’s when it really hit me. I needed to look in the mirror and decide how I was going to change. And there have been other times since then in different situations that God has had to be patient with me. But I can say, deep in my heart, I know with confidence God will never leave me. He just gave us that free will to choose Him. Choose faith. Choose joy. It’s not always easy, but I’m working on it. And thank God He is committed to being in it with me for the long haul. He will never leave me.I was looking at this beautiful picture of a spider web my husband took, and I felt this is what my life must look like to God. I go back and forth in all different directions in this intricate life He has given me. But God is in the middle of my “web” holding it all together. And the world can come around and tear my “ web” down, but God is right there to help me build it up again. May I always remember this image. To God be the Glory! 😊

What constitutes a great day?

    So here I am feeling like a lab rat. Believing all these drugs in my system are going to kill me rather then save my life! What is a person supposed to do with that? I thought, this must be how a hamster in a cage feels. You just keep going around and around and you never get anywhere. Going from a busy, business owner to a blob was just more than I could fathom. How could this be my life now? Then my brother, Stan would show up with a case of Dasani water , which was the only one I felt comfortable drinking for quite awhile. Or my sister, Diane would stop and help me with my pills. Or my brother, Larry or my brother in law, Ron would show up with the special fudgesicles I loved.  Or my sister in laws. Janice, Mary and JoAnne would stop and talk and  help me figure out things. Or so many of my friends from church and elsewhere would stop by with a meal so I didn’t have to think about cooking. My kids would check on me as much as they could and well,  then there was God. God showed up many times in ways I didn’t even realize at the time. On a good day, when I sat and really thought about all the people who truly cared about me, I was so ashamed at how ungrateful I felt. But then perhaps the next day I couldn't feel that love again. It was definitely there, everybody did so much. It was never about what others were or weren’t doing for me. It was about how my brain was reacting to these high power drugs. And the fact that I couldn’t seem to control how I feel. I know that’s against what so many people will tell you. Exercise. Just go for a walk. Read. Find something to do to take your mind off of it. Like that would all magically make this messed up feeling go away. Often the only thing I could make myself do was sit and watch a movie so I didn’t have to think at all. When I read what I’m saying I even think, I was really messed up! But I also know I couldn’t help it either. It was a chemical imbalance, which is what full blown depressions often are. And no walk, no matter how long, was ever going to take that confusion away. I tried. Believe me. I even tried just saying I would do those things so people would think I was ok. But it didn't change the fact that I still felt numb. I couldn’t just magically say it was so and ta-da! I’m great again. No matter how much I wanted to be ok, I just couldn’t be the old me. I remember saying, it’s like I got a new personality with my new kidney. I was not anticipating that. Since I have been writing in FB and writing this blog, I have had various people reach out to me in different ways to tell me they also know what this feels like. Or to ask for prayer in their journey. And I feel God is  telling me to never minimize what people are going through. Because I also know, now, how it feels. I’m not writing this to make you feel sorry for what I went and continue to go through. I am simply writing to let others know that they are not alone in this and I understand. I have gotten medicine that helps with my medicine induced chemical imbalance ( which sounds so ironic) but there are still days I literally have to get up and CHOOSE joy. CHOOSE to be ok. And I know I am not alone. I am not glad there are others who have to go through this as well, but I am glad we can talk about it and help each other through it. This has become my new normal. I used to just be kind of care free and happy. I went from being outgoing and friendly to being a recluse. I still try not to take things too seriously. But I do struggle sometimes to find the bright sun in a cloudy day. So I am writing this to all of you who understand depression because you have been there. Not because you learned about it in a text book. But because you live it. I know we will all be just fine. How do I know this? Because God has shown me time and time again that if I just choose to be joyful, not because of my circumstances, but because of my faith in Him, that I can get through anything. May not always be easy, but He will walk through it with me if I just let Him! I think the hardest, but yet best part of the entire transplant was having to go through this. It made me rely on God instead of myself or those around me to make me happy. My joy can only come through my belief and faith in Him. I know this with all my heart. Do I still struggle? Yes I do... sometimes. But we all struggle sometimes with whatever pain is put in our path. The victory comes with how we choose to deal with it. Do we get down on ourselves because we can’t kick these horrible feelings? Do we become bitter because why should we have to go through this? Do we end up with hate in our hearts because we are so sensitive and someone can’t understand how I’m feeling? Or do we realize there is no way we can do this on our own. And we have to literally give it to God every day. Not just once and done. I know the only way I can deal with this anxiety in my life is to every morning give it to God. If I get too busy and don’t do this, I can count on having a struggle all day. So, why wouldn’t I just make sure I do this every morning? Well, I try to. But I’m human and sometimes I just mess up. But at least I try. And I think God is pleased that I am doing my best. He, above anyone else, understands.  And I know that depression because of loss can be even different to deal with and I don’t want to minimize this depression from grief. But I also know that God can understand any of our hurts. So, what constitutes a great day?  Whether you give that day to God.
Till next time... To God be the Glory!

What is happening to my emotions?

Have you ever felt like someone put you in a washing machine and you are being tossed about? You are tumbling around, understanding you are being “cleaned”, but feeling so confused, not knowing which end is up in the process? I think that is how I felt when I got home from the hospital after my transplant. My emotions went from excitement of going home, to oh my, what just happened? I remember walking through the door at home and going from  oh good ... I’m home, to, oh no, I’m home! As I said before, leaving the hospital was such an up and down feeling for me. I really wanted to get out, but once I had my freedom, I also realized I had no nurses to make sure everything was ok. No one to make sure I was taking my pills correctly. What if I suddenly started rejecting my kidney? Would I be smart enough to recognize it in time? I remember after having our first child I went through a bit of the same thing. Coming home and there were no more nurses there to help when she cried. Marv and I were responsible for this little human who invaded our existence. But with that also came so much love that my motherly instincts kicked in. And while I was grateful for this kidney, I think I was struggling finding love for this new thing that had invaded my existence. I think it was different for me than some others. I was close to dialysis, but got a transplant right before I had to start it  That was what I prayed for, I was afraid of dialysis. And God answered my prayers. But because of that, I had not yet experienced that full blown change in my life. I was just simply tired all the time. I didn’t have to totally change my diet etc. so after my transplant, I went through the feelings of, is this really better? I felt my whole life had been put in that washing machine and moved from the delicate setting to “bulky”! And to complicate things when we were at the hospital Marv picked up something. A day or so after we got home, he got extremely sick and was not in any kind of shape to take care of me. Not to mention feeling like I needed him to leave because I wasn’t supposed to be around anyone sick. How was this going to work? My mind was so overwhelmed, I just wanted to sit down and have a good cry. And I did. With the help of my family, I started to feel like I could put my big girl pants on and do what it took. At least for that day. Marv was quarantined to the upstairs of our house, except our bedroom. He was not allowed in there because I had to sleep there. He was moved to the guest room. I carried a bottle of Lysol with me, spraying it as I went to squash my fears of getting sick. They had drilled into me that if I got sick, depending what it was, I might have to go off my anti rejection drugs so my body could fight the sickness off. Which in turn means I am at risk of losing my kidney. So, I went from feeling this incredible desire to help Marv feel better, to ... really, you got sick NOW? Trust me, he felt bad and wanted to help me, but I was too genuinely frightened to have him around me. So I not only couldn't go anywhere, and only see a very few select people, but now I was kind of on my own. The worst part, I was on my own with emotions like a roller coaster. I truly couldn’t comprehend what was happening to my life. This was a combination of having my body go through a big physical change and all the medicine I was taking. Which, little did I know, was going to get worse before it got any better. The first four months after my transplant were extremely challenging for my mental health. Not everyone reacts like I do to the medicines I am on, but I have gotten literally every side effect possible. And I am on four medicines that have a side effect of depression and anxiety!  Like I said, some struggle with the physical aspects of a transplant, but for me this horrible depression and anxiety was almost too much to handle. I never knew how messed up you can get from medicines that throw off the chemical balance in your brain. Things that 5 years before would have been no big deal, all of a sudden are so overwhelming that I just didn’t want to do anything. I think I made a permanent imprint in my couch during that time. I went from a person who loved being around people to someone who would have rather just been by myself. I was used to photographing a wedding and walking up to people and talking to them all the time. And my job was literally talking to people to make them feel comfortable having their pictures taken. But that thought now petrified me. I truly just wanted someone to reach out and make me feel comfortable so I could live! There were so many friends, church people and family that tried to reach out with meals, phone calls quick visits from a distance, but truthfully I had such a wall up I couldn’t even fully appreciate all of it at the time. So, at this amazing point in life when I wanted so badly to feel excited  that I got a kidney, I was in such a depression, I hate to say I couldn’t even be grateful at that time. Now, I still battle depression, anxiety and tremors. But God has walked with me in so many ways that I can’t help but look back and now, be so very grateful for my kidney and for all those around me did to help carry me. Part of me says I need to apologize for feeling that way. But I know God was showing me another avenue of empathy and understanding that I can feel for those who battle depression and anxiety all the time. I would never been able to have this understanding if I had not gone through this myself. I am currently talking to the doctors about changing meds to see if there might be one that I won’t get these side effects. They are hesitantly willing to try it, but there is a risk my kidney might be rejected. And I also have to start all over again going to get bloodwork 3 times a week.  Im just not sure I’m ready for that risk and hassle with no guarantee right now. God has taught me much Through all of this and that is where I find peace. Knowing God is walking with me and never let’s go.

   Next time I will continue my journey.... until then to God be the glory!

Transplant time...

My emotions were going up and down like a rollercoaster while they wheeled me back for surgery. They put me in the hallway on a bed to wait for a bit. I just laid there staring at the ceiling while thoughts were racing in my brain. Was that the last time I was going to see my family? Was I ever going to get to see my grandkids grow up? Ever hug Marv again?  It was such a strange feeling. All of a sudden, the doctor came up to me holding a little red and white cooler like you would pack a lunch in. “Here’s your kidney”, he said. I remember thinking, please have the right one. Please have the right one. And they wheeled me in to the operating room where they put me in lala land. As I was waking up, I heard the nurse saying , “You really snore loud!”  And I said to her, “ Does that get me a private room?”  This was truly on my mind. Private rooms were not plentiful for those receiving kidneys. They took me to a special transplant department, but I was worried about not being in a room alone. Mostly because I wanted family to stay with me the first few nights. I felt it was important to have an advocate there in case I couldn’t get help in the middle of the night when I needed it. Which does happen. So, my daughters, sister and Marv took turns staying with me. However, it turned out these nurses were very good and I became very close to three of them. God was truly walking with me. The doctor told Marv that before he was even completely done with the surgery, the new kidney started working. Physically, I was up and walking the next day. Not a lot and not fast. But I was walking. I knew in my heart if I wanted to go home sooner, rather than later, I had to put forth the effort. So I started walking a little more each day. The number one scariest part for me was when they had to take the IV out of my neck. I had to lay perfectly still for a while because it was in a main artery. And if  I moved, it could start really bleeding. Anyone who knows me, knows staying still is not what I do best. But, remember the video from my grandson? They held it above me and I just kept watching it until the time passed. As I said yesterday... it was my lifeline. By the time I left, all the nurses had fallen in love with my grandkids! I also had a catheter in while I was in the hospital, and before I could go home I needed to pee when they took it out. Again I felt scared. Could I actually pee again? How was all this stuff they changed in my body going to work? But luckily, I had no issues. Except when the nutritionist came in and thoroughly confused me, my daughter, Adrienne , and Marv. I had no idea the things they were going to say. And they said it so quickly that on a good day I couldn’t have followed it,  but still being in some pain and on some morphine, I wasn’t the most alert person in the room. Because the anti rejection drugs make the immune system weaker, But what I did hear was I was more susceptible to disease, bacteria etc. There was a list a mile long of things I couldn’t do or eat. I remember I started feeling sick inside. My whole life was about to change in a way I hadn’t thought about before. I had to remain in quarantine for 4 months. There were things they made sound impossible for me to do and ever have a life. And that is when my attitude went down hill. However, as I made my 2 trips a week back and forth to Cleveland, I started realizing they were over explaining for those who wouldn’t do everything they told them to do. So maybe those people would at least do enough. Little did they know , I am the kind of person that if you tell me I have to be careful about my food and don’t go here or there, that I am going to do what they say x 10. So, I drove myself crazy. And I’m sure it wasn’t easy for Marv either because I became so paranoid. Another thing I wasn’t aware of previously, is that they wouldn’t let me out until I could afford to pay for a months worth of meds upfront, which was a few thousand dollars. Again, Holmes County kidney foundation called in and talked to them and worked it out,  so I could get the meds I needed and go home. What a blessing.  So, on the fifth day they let me go home. I was so excited until I got in the car. Then every little thing hit me. The nurses wouldn’t be giving me my pills when I needed them. I was going to have to figure all that out myself. And it was a lot of pills! And they had to be done right! What if we were in an accident on the way home? If I wore my seatbelt would it ruin my kidney if we got hit? The belt went right across where the doctor put my kidney. What was I going to eat when I got home? I hadn’t planned on all these things I would have to think about after I got home. I was only trying to get through the surgery and heal. My brothers and sister and their spouses all stopped by as I felt it was ok.   My oldest brother Stan was so good at making sure I had enough bottled water because I didn’t have a water filter on my refrigerator. Every few days he and his wife, Janice, would show up with water. My brother in law Ron would make a trip to Winesburg to get me the good fudgesicles any time I ran out. Because I was so paranoid , I ate a lot of fudgesicles! That was something I knew that was ok. Meat and fresh fruit completely scared me because of the bacteria. They had drilled those two things into my head.  I honestly went for almost a week with only drinking water when I got home, because I was too scared to eat. Finally a friend from our church made a bunch of meat that was already cooked for me to put in the freezer. That was a God send. My daughter in-law Brooke is really good at organizing. I’ll never forget when I got home, the kids came to see me and she took my medicine list, and put a whole week of pills together for me. I remember sitting there just staring at her thinking, thank you, Brooke, thank you. And the next week my sister came and made sure I did it right. Marv and my kids were also so good to me. People from church brought meals which was extremely helpful. One day it hit me. How blessed am I that people care so much? What do people who don’t have a support system do in cases like this? My heart just broke as I thought about that. I was truly thankful and heartbroken all at the same time. 

 Next Monday I will go into more challenges I came across. I want it to be known that Cleveland Clinic did an amazing job on the surgery and physical care. But the emotional support was very lacking from them. Many times if I would call I felt like I was asking very stupid questions and I would hang up in tears. I think this is another reason I want to put this out there. I want others going through this same thing that there are no dumb questions. Stand your ground. You have never been through this before. It is your body and you know best if something isn’t feeling right. I also wanted to wait until I could have a better perspective about the situation. And so, it has only taken me 4 years and a pandemic to get there. But better late than never! 

I will continue on weekly with my journey  on Mondays. So until then... To God be the Glory! 

😊🙏

When the waves come crashing in remain strong in Gods love and mercy!

OCEAN THOUGHTS...

Day 4: When feelings matter...

The time from when I heard I was going to get a kidney, and my actual transplant was roughly two weeks. What an unusual time for my emotions! At first I was so happy to finally be receiving a kidney. Then a day or two later it really hit me. I’m going to be having a transplant! And fear set in. I remember just wanting to have all my affairs in order and writing down all the bills for Marv and what time of the month they were paid. We have always taken turns doing the finances, but my turn had been quite long this time. So I wanted it to be an easy transition for him. I had this incredible heaviness on my heart. I started making videos for Marv, each of my kids, grandkids and my siblings. I even made some for a couple dear friends. I also planned my entire funeral and wrote it all down so no one would have to be trying to figure out what I wanted. I’ve been there and it’s hard enough to lose someone, yet to have to feel the pressure of honoring them without a clue what they wanted. I also put a note where our life insurance policy was, and who to call, so if Marv wasn’t thinking clearly, it would be easily accessible for him.  I talked to my brother Ralph who is a lawyer, about making sure our will still made sense, and that I had a living will in place. You might wonder why was I doing all this. Had I lost my mind? Gone totally bonkers? No, that wasn’t it at all. However, when it truly hit me I was having a transplant, it also hit me I could reject that kidney. Something could happen that I might die during such a major surgery. And I couldn’t rest until I knew I had done everything to make it as easy on my family as possible. That is truly something I had never thought much about before. At least not with such heaviness on my heart. Once I had done all the things I felt I needed to get in order,  then I wanted a family gathering with all the kids and grandkids. I remember that night. It was all I could do to hold back my tears as I hugged the grandkids goodbye. Feeling like I just needed to say...please remember me. I sobbed once they left , feeling like it could be the last time I saw them. However, it was an amazing thing that my four ( yes, I said 4!) year old grandson, Liam, did for me. He took my tablet and went around to his sister and all his cousins and made me a video to take with me to the hospital. I can’t even tell you what that meant to me. It was my lifeline after surgery! And it was just from the heart of a 4 year old. Pure love. I will never forget that. I think we can all learn from him to reach out without pause. Just do it. So after that night, I tried to really prepare for my transplant in other ways. Gathering things for the hospital and getting last minute things I might need. Our daughter, Adrienne, from Florida flew up to go with us and made sure that not only us, but the donors family had a place to stay inside the hotel connected to Cleveland Clinic. Our kids who live close by had been doing various things to help us and this was something she felt she could do for us now. My whole family was incredible. My only sister has always been there for me in so many ways. But her and her husband Ron were just always doing something for us! My brother Ralph helped me with so many legal things. And all were stopping by and praying before, during and after my transplant. Our kids were so kind, even with their busy lives. And our grandkids each touched me in their own unique, special way, that I just fell in love with them even more. So the night came to drive to the hospital. I remember that drive. My stomach was in knots, trying not to be a wimp. It was hard to go to sleep in the hotel because my mind just kept racing. We had to be there very early the next day and I was so glad we were able to be right there in the hotel. Then , next morning I woke up with the weirdest feeling of excitement, fear and almost confusion. All my siblings and spouses came up. All our kids were there. It felt so surreal sitting in the waiting room just anticipating what was about to happen. When they took me back to get prepped. I remember all my family, siblings and their spouses included coming into this little room while I waited for them to take me to surgery. As I laid there and looked around at all these people I loved, I couldn’t help but be so grateful for all God had given me. And the fact we could all talk and laugh and even cry meant so much to me. The hardest part was when I had to say goodbye to Marv and our kids. It truly hit me when Marv started to leave the room, turned back around and gave me another hug and kiss with big tears in his eyes. 
Then they wheeled me away...  so until next time,  To God be the Glory! Next post I’ll go from the time of my surgery forward. I am going to post only one or two times a week from now on  
🙏 Again, remember my community prayer wall. If you’d like to be on it with specifics, or in name only, please let me know. We are praying and God is working. 😊

Day 3: Where do I go from here?

   I talked about finding the blessings that are put in our paths in life. But I want to emphasize I was not able to see those blessings at the time. I wonder if God, in all His wisdom, does that to see if we will just keep believing, even when we can’t see a solution. Even if it’s not a huge belief or faith, God will honor that. 

    So what were my feelings really like as I went through that hard time back then? Well, please remember God was really working on me. So I am not saying this as a good example. But merely the truth of what I felt. 

      When I found out about this life long disease I felt much anger. Anger that I Might not have more time with Marv, and that I may not see the things that my kids and grandkids were going to go through. Much fear. Fear that everything would be taken from me before I was ready. Much sadness. Sad again that I might not be there for Marv and my family. There are so many emotions that happen in a circumstance like this. But, once I accepted that this was my new normal, I starting realizing that Gods got this. I was feeling well enough to work and enjoy it. This was huge for me. And still be able to enjoy our grandkids. Until 2012. As I said before this was when I had my second episode. So I had to go back into the hospital. Not feeling quite as sick as the first time, but plenty sick. I was then faced with the reality of my kidney function approaching transplant stage. This started a whole new adventure. It is hard to understand what you have to go through for them to be willing to consider you for a transplant. I had to go through mental evaluations to make sure I was going to be able to handle the mental aspect of a transplant. At the time I thought, this is ridiculous, not knowing this would be the hardest, most real thing I would have to deal with after the surgery. I had to go through many physical tests to make sure I could handle this major surgery. Did I drink? Did I smoke? Was I going to take care of this precious gift I was going to receive? I had to go through financial questions. Could I pay for the transplant? Would I have money to pay for the anti-rejection drugs I would have to take the rest of my life? These are very expensive, and if I couldn’t afford to take them, they didn’t want to give me a kidney, because it wouldn’t last. It was really a daunting task to go through when I was scared, upset and not feeling myself. I had no idea the hoops I would have to jump through.  Now I know those rules are there for a reason, but at the time it was not easy for me to see what those reasons were. I just wanted a kidney to feel better and move on with my life!! But God had so much more to show me first. Then there’s the task of finding a match! No one in my family was a match except one of my brothers. I remember when he called to tell me he was a perfect match. I actually cried. Then he had to call me again and tell me they wouldn’t allow him to donate because of a previous surgery he had. So again I cried for a different reason. The ups and downs of that journey is hard to describe. Getting a call from Cleveland clinic saying they might have a match. Someone died and I was second on the list. If the first person wasn’t able to take it for some reason, they would call me back. But they only would call if I got it. So needless to say,  that was a crazy time waiting for their call. And sitting there thinking how am
I supposed to be happy, when me getting a kidney means someone had to die? What a strange feeling! I had some people I didn’t really know well, offering to be tested. How humbling. But then, this sweet friend of mine, Shannon, came forward. She was a girl I came to know and love when we were youth sponsors at our church. She was so determined and led to see that I got a kidney. ( God working!) She got tested, but was not a match. But she did not let that stop her. She worked for a long time to have us put on the “swap list”. Finally, after years I was on that list. And within 4 months I had a match. It was actually a 3 way swap. Shannon’s kidney went to someone in California that wanted to donate to someone and they weren’t a match either. And that kidney went to someone else in California in the same situation. And that third person was a match to me, so that kidney came to Ohio for me. It is a phenomenal program when I think about it. The way this is orchestrated and getting the right kidney to the right person! It’s amazing. So, 
here I was, waiting for my transplant date. Tomorrow I will share about the feelings I experienced in the days going up to my surgery. Feelings I never thought I would be thinking about. But until tomorrow, to God be the glory!! 
   I started a community prayer wall by my desk. I put notice up on FB and I want to invite anyone here who wants to have their name on it as well.  I am committing to praying for everyone on that wall everyday. If you want to share details of your request with me that’s fine, but don’t feel you need to. God knows your concerns even if all I do is mention your name. There is power in prayer. I am sharing one of my “Ocean Thoughts” today that talks about community and being there for each other. 
  
                            “The Lone Bird”
What I learned: God sends people when we need them. Let’s be open to letting them help and also open our hearts to His voice so we can help others.
        A lone bird on the beach is not an unusual sight. However, one day as I was walking, I spotted this very lonely looking bird. All of a sudden another bird swooped down beside it and just sat there with him. I had to think of how God has done this for me so many times. I had some hard times in my life when I felt pretty alone. But when I look back, God has provided someone who “swooped” in and helped me. Or maybe just sat with me and listened. Times when I thought no one cared, or no one could possibly understand, all of a sudden, there they were , right beside me, carrying me through. These are the ways God helped me through difficult situations. And He helped me come out the other side with a better understanding for other people. He also showed me , through the people He sent to help me how to be available, and move when God puts someone on my heart. People these days like to call it “paying it forward” or “ random acts of kindness”. I like to call it, God working through people’s hearts! To God be the glory! So often I have been in awe of the loving greatness of God. He is faithful in helping us exactly when we need it. And often it is through others who listen for His voice and respond by coming to our side. Today I am thanking God for friends and people who open their hearts to His voice and unexpectedly show up in our lives... just when we need them! I feel God put on my heart today to reach out to community. And they can be anywhere. Not just in my town or vicinity.  😊🙏

Day 2: Looking for blessings...

     I suppose everyone knows what it feels like when we say,  “my heart fell into my stomach.”
That’s the only way I could describe how I felt when I found out about my kidney disease. Marv and I had just started this new adventure with our own studio. And everything seemed to be falling into place. So this certainly knocked the wind out of our sail.  But I think what I want to focus on today is the blessing of how God so graciously moved us forward the next number of years. As I said before, I  was a classic workaholic. ( I think it runs in our family!) So looking back, it is so good to see how, in the midst of everything, God knew the best way to take me from what I was facing to where I am today.
    First of all, Marv and I were able to go forward with our business for 8 years before we had to sell it. We have some good memories and met so many wonderful people. It wasn’t always easy. I had many days of being drained. My kidneys were functioning at about 30% until 2012. That’s when I got sick again and ended up back in the hospital. This was the beginning of  the end for my studio days. At that time my function went way down, and I was just too tired to photograph weddings etc. When I look back , what a blessing those years we could photograph were. But as always, God knew what was coming up for us. During this time, He blessed us with grandchildren. And in some way this helped me eventually accept that I could no longer work 60-70 hours a week. I think if I wouldn’t have had those kids to help fill my time, I would have been so lonely. Isn’t it amazing how God works? Now I think, what if I wouldn’t have had to go through this? I know I would have kept working. And I could never have been as involved in their lives and watch them grow. So, now I can realize what a blessing I was given. That may sound weird. And don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t seeing the blessings at the time. And I would never judge anyone for not being able to see the roses in amongst all the weeds. But, when we go through a tough time, and can look back to see how God worked things out for us, it is such a miracle. And it is a miracle I’m glad God thought I was worth walking me through. Have you ever heard the saying, “ If nothing goes wrong in your life, maybe you aren’t giving Satan a very good reason to spend time on you”. Simply put, it means if we aren’t giving Satan a reason to be worried about us becoming a strong disciple of God, then maybe he’s just leaving us alone. So when everything seems just peachy, are we really growing with God?  That’s a theory to be debated. But I have found in my life, when I truly asked God to make me usable for him, my life felt as though it was falling apart. But really it was just being put in place. I will never regret having gone through what I did, no matter how hard it was.
      I want to let all of you know that if you , or someone you know, has, or is going through difficult health and financial problems please don’t be afraid to contact me.  Even if it’s not kidney issues, many of the same emotions apply.  Or if it is kidney related I certainly can understand the ups and downs of that whole journey. Please feel free to contact me here and I am willing to listen and pray with you. May we always be able to find the blessings!
 Also, for years, as my husband and I would walk our favorite beaches, I would write down my thoughts about God and life. There is something truly special about connecting with God in the beauty of His creation. I want to share one of these with you each day. I am also sharing these on FB, but if you can’t see it there, I wanted you to be able to see it here. Hope you enjoy and until tomorrow... to God be the Glory!
                                                 Ocean Thought :
                                            (The Dizzy Brunette &
                                                    the Docile Fish)
Lesson I learned: God has a purpose for all of us and it can be different for every season of my life.
     Have you ever stood on the edge of the water when the tide comes in? If you just stand there and don’t move, it feels as though the earth is moving  beneath your feet. Then, if you look down and stare at the water rushing back into the ocean, it can make you dizzy! As I was doing that one day, I noticed all the shells that were constantly being carried onto the beach, only to be hammered back into the ocean. This particular day the waves were huge and beating with great force. As I watched the same items coming in, going out, and coming back in again, it made my head spin. I almost felt sorry for the life they had to endure at the mercy of the waves. Some shells, and even fish would remain on the shore, but on this day, not many could stay on the shore for long. After getting extremely dizzy from watching this circus of nature, I began to walk the beach. Not far into my walk, I came across a fish lying on the shore. I stopped, and in that moment I realized something. This fish was not meant to lay quietly on the shore with no purpose. It was meant to be in the ocean. So, if there were days it got pummeled by the waves, that was ok, because that was the life God intended for it to live. I am sure it had days of wonder and amazement swimming peacefully in the beauty of the ocean. But then there were also rough days when it got swept onto shore and back out again.
   I thought of the times I have been so busy in my life with family, work and even church. It felt as though I was being tossed about by the waves and not always really getting anywhere. But then I realized, God was saying that was the purpose I had for you in that season of your life. Now, for the past 14 years I have been dealing with chronic kidney disease, and 3 of those years I was waiting for a kidney transplant. Then 4 years ago a very special girl made sure I received one. Before, I wished I could slow down, and now,  I was being forced to.  As I walked the beach, God spoke to me about the creativity to tell my story and give Him the glory He deserves! Perhaps this is my purpose for this season of my life.
    I’m giving thanks today for the seasons of my life. I have to remember God has a purpose for my life, and that purpose can change with every season. I can’t be afraid to change with it.

Like the sun falls into the ocean at night. My heart fell into my stomach when I learned of my kidney disease. 

Day 1: The beginning of a journey...

So, where do I begin? Our whole life is such a journey of ups and downs right from the beginning. I won’t bore you with my knee scrapes and stitches from my youth. But rather with a new beginning for me back in 2006. I had worked in a professional photography studio for 18 years. At first I just started doing whatever needed to be done, to managing it, to being a photographer myself, to buying the studio with my husband who also loves photography. This all happened over a period of 26 years and a lot of hard work, while raising 3 children. It was a passion for both my husband and I. We worked many hours and I found out, at the time,  I was quite the workaholic. But we felt very blessed to be doing something we loved. And doing it together was an extra bonus (most of the time!) 😊

It was 2006 when we actually purchased the studio from the man I had worked with. We were very excited. It all happened pretty quickly, and it took us a bit to get our ducks in a row. But we enjoyed all of it. One Thursday I was trying to get our health insurance worked out since we were now self employed. I was so relieved because the agent was coming the following Tuesday to sign the papers, and everything would be complete. Remember, to this point, I never had one sign of any kidney issues ever.  So as far as I was concerned, Thursday to Tuesday was no big deal. But, I came to find out that a lot can happen in one day, because Friday morning I woke up extremely sick and in a lot of pain. I was so sick I almost didn’t make it to the hospital. When I got to the emergency room they gave me a very high dose of morphine, which made the pain tolerable. They ran all kinds of tests and they came back into the ER room with the look of doom on their faces. I had to be admitted to the hospital and looked at by a nephrologist (kidney doctor) because BOTH of my kidneys were not functioning correctly. So after being in the hospital for almost a week, and many tests later, the nephrologists came into my room painting what seemed to be, the gloomiest picture imaginable. I had Chronic Kidney Disease and neither of my kidneys were working. They also said I will need to be tested for Kidney cancer because something just wasn’t right. Their bedside manner needed some work. But they let me go home, with the understanding I had to get set up with a nephrologist that I could see on a regular basis. Marv and I went home not knowing what was ahead of us. The emotions of fear, anger and total confusion were so overwhelming. And so, the journey began. Doctor appointments. Blood work. More doctor appointments. More bloodwork. Surgery to blast the kidney stones that had lodged and were causing further problems. All while running a business. Luckily, our kids were grown by then, even though one still lived at home. I think this was a major time in my life when God started working on my heart. Little did I know he was answering a prayer I prayed a number of years earlier. I had prayed, “ God , do whatever it takes to make me usable for You.”  Word of advice, don’t pray that prayer unless you really mean it. I thought I was a pretty good person. But God had plans of showing me all the things He needed to change in me, before He could even begin to use me for His glory! And there was plenty to be done. So, until tomorrow... to God be the glory!! 😊